Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Hours.
We are now receiving culinary tuition at school and I like to think that I have a certain penchant when it comes to tickling the taste buds.
I even thought that I might partake of some extra curricular instruction and therefore, started to delve through my parents' TV recordings.
Everything was going swimmingly until I mistakenly stumbled upon an episode of Gordon Ramsay.
I can’t f**king believe what’s happened since. I’ve received a bl**dy warning at school for swearing.
I don’t even know what Sh*t f**king meant. I was just copying Jack. He said it first – the stupid f**king b**stard.
Now, I’ve got a black mark against my name and I’ve been told that if I swear again, I’ll lose a house point.
J*s*s Chr*st! I can’t keep up with all these f**king rules.
Anyway, I’ve been banned from watching any programs with Gordon Ramsay.
Looks like I’ll never learn to f**king cook.
Matthew.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Slang
Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.
Isn’t school wonderful?
According to Dad, as an establishment for shaping young minds, it is probably only a close second to a young offenders institution. So, based upon that, I assume that it must be very good indeed.
The last few months have been very productive. I have been studying very hard and can now confidently say, that I am almost fluent in slang.
I think both my parents are pleased with my progress and visit the school’s head teacher frequently to thank her.
They were there again this morning prompted by my praise for Mum’s large knockers. I thought this demonstrated nicely my sensitive and caring side.
I have also learnt that when someone kindly offers you a swift blow to your knackers that it is an offer that is best declined.
Unfortunately, I had to learn that one the hard way.
Matthew.
Isn’t school wonderful?
According to Dad, as an establishment for shaping young minds, it is probably only a close second to a young offenders institution. So, based upon that, I assume that it must be very good indeed.
The last few months have been very productive. I have been studying very hard and can now confidently say, that I am almost fluent in slang.
I think both my parents are pleased with my progress and visit the school’s head teacher frequently to thank her.
They were there again this morning prompted by my praise for Mum’s large knockers. I thought this demonstrated nicely my sensitive and caring side.
I have also learnt that when someone kindly offers you a swift blow to your knackers that it is an offer that is best declined.
Unfortunately, I had to learn that one the hard way.
Matthew.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Dungeon
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Hours.
We visited a War of the Roses re-enactment at Lincoln Castle.
I was hoping to see lots of blood and gore but no such luck. The people who did die during the battles were just teasing.
Disappointed, I visited the souvenir shop in need of retail therapy. Pleased with the large range of weaponry on offer, I extended my already huge arsenal with the purchase of a hefty wooden sword and went in search of some worthy adversaries.
It wasn’t long before a tall man sneaked up behind me and whacked me with a long stick. I quickly spun around and parried his next swipe. The man reeled backwards before stumbling over the Labrador dog which was at his side.
Hah, he hadn’t seen that coming and it turns out there was a good reason why.
Well, how was I supposed to know he was blind?
When Dad eventually released me from the Dungeon, I crossed off white sticks from my list of suspicious military hardware.
Matthew.
We visited a War of the Roses re-enactment at Lincoln Castle.
I was hoping to see lots of blood and gore but no such luck. The people who did die during the battles were just teasing.
Disappointed, I visited the souvenir shop in need of retail therapy. Pleased with the large range of weaponry on offer, I extended my already huge arsenal with the purchase of a hefty wooden sword and went in search of some worthy adversaries.
It wasn’t long before a tall man sneaked up behind me and whacked me with a long stick. I quickly spun around and parried his next swipe. The man reeled backwards before stumbling over the Labrador dog which was at his side.
Hah, he hadn’t seen that coming and it turns out there was a good reason why.
Well, how was I supposed to know he was blind?
When Dad eventually released me from the Dungeon, I crossed off white sticks from my list of suspicious military hardware.
Matthew.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Superhero
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
Ever since I gave Whats-her name a lettuce, I appear to have acquired a cult-like status at school, culminating in a belief that I'm some kind of superhero.
Admittedly, it’s not exactly what I had in mind all those times I lay on my bed and dreamt of being like Spiderman or Superman but hey, it’ll do.
Now, wherever I go, I’m accompanied by chants of “Salad Boy! Salad Boy!” and choruses of "Is it a bush? Is it a parsnip? No, it’s Salad Boy!"
I’m not quite sure what my secret powers are supposed to be or whom I'm supposed to save but in the meantime, I’ve equipped myself with my trusty lettuce and a stick of celery.
If all else fails, I'll always have some healthy titbits upon which to nibble. Something, I feel, other superheroes overlook.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Lettuce
Ever since I gave Whats-her name a lettuce, I appear to have acquired a cult-like status at school, culminating in a belief that I'm some kind of superhero.
Admittedly, it’s not exactly what I had in mind all those times I lay on my bed and dreamt of being like Spiderman or Superman but hey, it’ll do.
Now, wherever I go, I’m accompanied by chants of “Salad Boy! Salad Boy!” and choruses of "Is it a bush? Is it a parsnip? No, it’s Salad Boy!"
I’m not quite sure what my secret powers are supposed to be or whom I'm supposed to save but in the meantime, I’ve equipped myself with my trusty lettuce and a stick of celery.
If all else fails, I'll always have some healthy titbits upon which to nibble. Something, I feel, other superheroes overlook.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Lettuce
Monday, April 28, 2008
Boundaries
Yesterday's corner time: 5 Minutes.
At great expense, my parents have installed gates and railings around the perimeter of our property to prevent the frequent meanderings of Jake the Dog.
It had consumed his entire weekend but Dad stood behind the gates proudly admiring his handiwork.
And so it was with immense satisfaction that Dad closed and locked the gates for the first time, safe in the knowledge that he would no longer need to chase down the road in the slipstream of a flapping-eared Beagle.
Therefore, you can probably imagine Dad’s disappointment when at the same time, Jake surveyed the same set of new gates but from the opposite side.
Jake had escaped and it had taken him all of 3 seconds. Dad’s gates hadn’t even managed to slow him down.
Jake was last seen catching the Number 32 Bus into town to meet up with friends. Apparently, he’s escaped so often that he has now qualified for a frequent traveller pass.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Pastures New
At great expense, my parents have installed gates and railings around the perimeter of our property to prevent the frequent meanderings of Jake the Dog.
It had consumed his entire weekend but Dad stood behind the gates proudly admiring his handiwork.
And so it was with immense satisfaction that Dad closed and locked the gates for the first time, safe in the knowledge that he would no longer need to chase down the road in the slipstream of a flapping-eared Beagle.
Therefore, you can probably imagine Dad’s disappointment when at the same time, Jake surveyed the same set of new gates but from the opposite side.
Jake had escaped and it had taken him all of 3 seconds. Dad’s gates hadn’t even managed to slow him down.
Jake was last seen catching the Number 32 Bus into town to meet up with friends. Apparently, he’s escaped so often that he has now qualified for a frequent traveller pass.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Pastures New
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Lettuce
Yesterday's corner time: 6 Minutes.
I am turning into a man of taste and sophistication.
Obviously, my new girlfriends are very impressed and today, Whats-her-name was rendered speechless when I presented her with a lettuce.
I think she was perhaps somewhat overwhelmed having led a particularly insular and unadventurous life, unlike myself of course.
“Why have you given me a cabbage?” she asked.
“It’s a lettuce,” I replied.
“Why have you given me a lettuce?” she asked.
See what I mean? Completely clueless. Anyway, I persevered.
“It’s a token of my admiration,” I explained.
“Oh,” She said.
I think she was quietly impressed. None of the other boys had given her a lettuce before.
That evening, I told Dad that I had taken his advice and given Whats-her-name a lettuce.
It later transpired that his advice had actually been to present her with some love letters as opposed to a love lettuce.
Not for the first time, not even for the second time, Dad's advice has again proved useless.
He really should learn to speak more clearly - it’s playing havoc with my love life and the content of his sandwiches.
Matthew.
Related Posts:
Whats-her-name: Pastures New, Breaking up is hard to do
Dad's Advice: Infatuation, Emily, Overbearing
I am turning into a man of taste and sophistication.
Obviously, my new girlfriends are very impressed and today, Whats-her-name was rendered speechless when I presented her with a lettuce.
I think she was perhaps somewhat overwhelmed having led a particularly insular and unadventurous life, unlike myself of course.
“Why have you given me a cabbage?” she asked.
“It’s a lettuce,” I replied.
“Why have you given me a lettuce?” she asked.
See what I mean? Completely clueless. Anyway, I persevered.
“It’s a token of my admiration,” I explained.
“Oh,” She said.
I think she was quietly impressed. None of the other boys had given her a lettuce before.
That evening, I told Dad that I had taken his advice and given Whats-her-name a lettuce.
It later transpired that his advice had actually been to present her with some love letters as opposed to a love lettuce.
Not for the first time, not even for the second time, Dad's advice has again proved useless.
He really should learn to speak more clearly - it’s playing havoc with my love life and the content of his sandwiches.
Matthew.
Related Posts:
Whats-her-name: Pastures New, Breaking up is hard to do
Dad's Advice: Infatuation, Emily, Overbearing
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Demolition Man
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.
I’ve met two very clever men this week.
The first was a Doctor.
I’ve had a touch of tonsillitis and the Doctor has signed me off school for four whole days. What a wonderful man and to think I was worried about going to see him. I shall endeavour to visit him more often.
The next was Stafford and he’s a builder.
Actually, referring to Stafford as a builder is a little bit like referring to Hitler as a pacifist. He seems to spend most of his time knocking things down, only occasionally hesitating whilst he has a cup of tea.
I originally thought that Stafford was called Jesus, as that’s what Dad tends to cry out whenever Stafford shows him what he’s just demolished.
When I break things, I get in big trouble. This man seems to have made a career out of it. Genius.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Demolition
I’ve met two very clever men this week.
The first was a Doctor.
I’ve had a touch of tonsillitis and the Doctor has signed me off school for four whole days. What a wonderful man and to think I was worried about going to see him. I shall endeavour to visit him more often.
The next was Stafford and he’s a builder.
Actually, referring to Stafford as a builder is a little bit like referring to Hitler as a pacifist. He seems to spend most of his time knocking things down, only occasionally hesitating whilst he has a cup of tea.
I originally thought that Stafford was called Jesus, as that’s what Dad tends to cry out whenever Stafford shows him what he’s just demolished.
When I break things, I get in big trouble. This man seems to have made a career out of it. Genius.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Demolition
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Sharper Teeth
Yesterday’s Corner Time: 0 Minutes.
I’ve learnt an important life lesson today – never dangle anything in front of a Beagle.
I'm told that Beagles can resist everything except temptation itself. Unfortunately, there are very few things that God created that aren’t tempting to a Beagle. However, they appear to be particularly partial to anything that dangles. It’s like waving a red flag to a bull.
Obviously, the sight of me standing naked in the kitchen was too much for Jake to bear.
I haven’t felt such excruciating pain since I stuck my appendage in the hamster cage at pre-school.
Dad was of course useless. Caught between laughing uncontrollably and wincing empathetically. Therefore, it was left to Mum to administer the first aid.
Apparently, it’s not only the early bird that catches the worm. You need to keep an eye out for Beagles too.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Sharp Teeth
I’ve learnt an important life lesson today – never dangle anything in front of a Beagle.
I'm told that Beagles can resist everything except temptation itself. Unfortunately, there are very few things that God created that aren’t tempting to a Beagle. However, they appear to be particularly partial to anything that dangles. It’s like waving a red flag to a bull.
Obviously, the sight of me standing naked in the kitchen was too much for Jake to bear.
I haven’t felt such excruciating pain since I stuck my appendage in the hamster cage at pre-school.
Dad was of course useless. Caught between laughing uncontrollably and wincing empathetically. Therefore, it was left to Mum to administer the first aid.
Apparently, it’s not only the early bird that catches the worm. You need to keep an eye out for Beagles too.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Sharp Teeth
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Yesterday’s Corner Time: 6 Minutes.
I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Nina, which is nice and easy to remember - an often overlooked quality in a girl.
Whats-her-name is still my girlfriend too. I still can’t recall her name. I tried to break up with her the other day but that turned out to be even more painful than being her boyfriend. So for now, I plan to take the path of least resistance and less bruises.
I haven't told Whats-her-name about Nina yet but there's no way she should find out as they sit on opposite sides of the classroom.
Sometimes, I think Dad regards me as naive but I've got this under control providing I can remember which girl is which.
After all, I'm 4 now and a man of the world. What can possibly go wrong?
Matthew.
Related Posts: Pastures New
I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Nina, which is nice and easy to remember - an often overlooked quality in a girl.
Whats-her-name is still my girlfriend too. I still can’t recall her name. I tried to break up with her the other day but that turned out to be even more painful than being her boyfriend. So for now, I plan to take the path of least resistance and less bruises.
I haven't told Whats-her-name about Nina yet but there's no way she should find out as they sit on opposite sides of the classroom.
Sometimes, I think Dad regards me as naive but I've got this under control providing I can remember which girl is which.
After all, I'm 4 now and a man of the world. What can possibly go wrong?
Matthew.
Related Posts: Pastures New
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
In the Dog House
Yesterday’s Corner Time: 7 Minutes.
I think my parents prefer the dog to me. Good Jake this. Good Jake that. He can’t put a paw wrong.
Everything we do now seems to revolve around Jake.
What’s the first thing we do when I get home from school? Watch TV? Play games? No, we take the dog for an extremely long walk, throughout which, all I hear is:
“Good boy Jake”
“Keep up Matthew!”
“Jake, come here. There’s a good boy.”
“Come along Matthew!”
“Matthew, stop lying down!”
“Matthew, don’t you dare kick Jake!”
“Ah, poor Jakey, who’s a good boy then.”
Bloody Beagle.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Pastures New, Puppy
I think my parents prefer the dog to me. Good Jake this. Good Jake that. He can’t put a paw wrong.
Everything we do now seems to revolve around Jake.
What’s the first thing we do when I get home from school? Watch TV? Play games? No, we take the dog for an extremely long walk, throughout which, all I hear is:
“Good boy Jake”
“Keep up Matthew!”
“Jake, come here. There’s a good boy.”
“Come along Matthew!”
“Matthew, stop lying down!”
“Matthew, don’t you dare kick Jake!”
“Ah, poor Jakey, who’s a good boy then.”
Bloody Beagle.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Pastures New, Puppy
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Pastures New
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
We have moved house.
It took several weeks for Becca and I to track down our parents but we eventually found them holed up in rural Lincolnshire.
After much begging, tears and tantrums Mum and Dad finally pulled themselves together and agreed to let us stay.
Soon after moving in, a new beagle puppy arrived and we called him Jake. I wanted to call it "Strange Daisy" but Dad said that I would be called "Strange Matthew" if we named the Dog that.
They still have schools in Lincolnshire, which is quite depressing. It seems that they are everywhere. I've been going for ages now, when will it all end?
Having said that, being the new boy at school certainly has some perks. The girls are certainly interested and I have acquired a new fiancée already. I keep forgetting her name but whatever she’s called, she certainly packs a mean punch. Especially when I get her name wrong, which is all the time.
When I showed Dad my latest bruises, he just said that I should get used to it as it’ll get far worse after I’m married.
I don’t like the sound of that much.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Puppy
We have moved house.
It took several weeks for Becca and I to track down our parents but we eventually found them holed up in rural Lincolnshire.
After much begging, tears and tantrums Mum and Dad finally pulled themselves together and agreed to let us stay.
Soon after moving in, a new beagle puppy arrived and we called him Jake. I wanted to call it "Strange Daisy" but Dad said that I would be called "Strange Matthew" if we named the Dog that.
They still have schools in Lincolnshire, which is quite depressing. It seems that they are everywhere. I've been going for ages now, when will it all end?
Having said that, being the new boy at school certainly has some perks. The girls are certainly interested and I have acquired a new fiancée already. I keep forgetting her name but whatever she’s called, she certainly packs a mean punch. Especially when I get her name wrong, which is all the time.
When I showed Dad my latest bruises, he just said that I should get used to it as it’ll get far worse after I’m married.
I don’t like the sound of that much.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Puppy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
