Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes
We’re going on holiday to Corsica tomorrow. I’ve only got one more sleep time to go.
I get to spend two whole weeks with my Dad and he won’t have to work all the time. I can’t wait. However, I’m not so sure the feeling is mutual.
He’s still saying that they’re going to leave me behind together with enough bread and water to last me for two weeks. I’m going to make sure that by the time we land at our destination, he’ll wish that were true.
Anyway, all this means that I won’t be able to update my blog until I get back on July 3rd.
Now, I’m sure that you won’t miss me but rest assured, I’ll be thinking of you, as I laze by the side of my pool, sipping tropical fruit juices, chilling out to some ambient tunes and encased from head-to-toe in factor 5000 sun block.
Don’t believe me? Yeah, you’re right, I’m not going to give you a second thought. I’m never going to master this lying business.
Unfortunately, Becca is coming too. She’s got her a special seat for floating in the swimming pool, which reminds me. Now, where have I put my harpoon gun...
See you in two weeks.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Lying, Flying
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Horseplay
Yesterday’s corner time: 9 Minutes.
The saddle that I had ordered for Becca, my baby sister, arrived in the post yesterday and it fitted her like a glove.
She wouldn’t stop complaining at first but once she had the bit between her teeth (I’d ordered one of these too), we didn’t look back. Well, to be fair, she couldn’t look back - I had a really tight grip on the reins.
We’ve certainly come a long way since first attempting to break Becca.
Gone is the need for a whip - replaced by spurs.
Gone is the need to grip onto her ears for dear life - replaced by reins.
Gone is the need to muffle her squeals – replaced by a shiny brass bit.
By the end of the day, she was starting to limp a bit and I was worried that she may have gone lame.
I gave her leg a thorough examination and decided that there was nothing for it, she’d have to be shot. I tied up her reins to a tree and went inside to get my gun.
I was just about to shoot her when Dad wandered out. He took one look at Becca and immediately diagnosed that she had a stone in her shoe. Well, that was lucky.
It turns out that my gun didn’t have any water in it anyway.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Revelations?, Giddy Up
The saddle that I had ordered for Becca, my baby sister, arrived in the post yesterday and it fitted her like a glove.
She wouldn’t stop complaining at first but once she had the bit between her teeth (I’d ordered one of these too), we didn’t look back. Well, to be fair, she couldn’t look back - I had a really tight grip on the reins.
We’ve certainly come a long way since first attempting to break Becca.
Gone is the need for a whip - replaced by spurs.
Gone is the need to grip onto her ears for dear life - replaced by reins.
Gone is the need to muffle her squeals – replaced by a shiny brass bit.
By the end of the day, she was starting to limp a bit and I was worried that she may have gone lame.
I gave her leg a thorough examination and decided that there was nothing for it, she’d have to be shot. I tied up her reins to a tree and went inside to get my gun.
I was just about to shoot her when Dad wandered out. He took one look at Becca and immediately diagnosed that she had a stone in her shoe. Well, that was lucky.
It turns out that my gun didn’t have any water in it anyway.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Revelations?, Giddy Up
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Gooooaaaal!
Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.
My Dad has been glued to the television ever since the start of World Cup. I feel like I’m becoming a soccer orphan.
Even my birthday festivities on Saturday were suspended for England v Paraguay.
It turns out that my Dad takes the World Cup very seriously indeed. In fact, so seriously that he measures his life by their passing. He figures that he probably only has about ten left. It used to be eleven or twelve but then I was born.
I also discovered fairly early on in the competition that he gets annoyed if I shout “Gooooaaaal!!” at inappropriate moments, such as whenever someone kicks the ball.
This came to a head last night when he awarded me two yellow cards and banished me from the room.
I think Dad found this particularly irksome, as earlier on in the day he’d been trying to teach me the whole concept of goals. However, I was more interested in being really mean to Nanna.
First of all, I deliberately tried to mow her down on my tricycle and then I hit her several times with a stick.
When she removed the stick from the situation, I screamed at her, “I know what you are!”
I think she was curious to know precisely what I thought she was but I couldn’t remember the name that Dad uses.
Dad seemed quite relieved when I told him and said that I could shout “Gooooaaaal!!” whenever I liked.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Three, I Told You So
My Dad has been glued to the television ever since the start of World Cup. I feel like I’m becoming a soccer orphan.
Even my birthday festivities on Saturday were suspended for England v Paraguay.
It turns out that my Dad takes the World Cup very seriously indeed. In fact, so seriously that he measures his life by their passing. He figures that he probably only has about ten left. It used to be eleven or twelve but then I was born.
I also discovered fairly early on in the competition that he gets annoyed if I shout “Gooooaaaal!!” at inappropriate moments, such as whenever someone kicks the ball.
This came to a head last night when he awarded me two yellow cards and banished me from the room.
I think Dad found this particularly irksome, as earlier on in the day he’d been trying to teach me the whole concept of goals. However, I was more interested in being really mean to Nanna.
First of all, I deliberately tried to mow her down on my tricycle and then I hit her several times with a stick.
When she removed the stick from the situation, I screamed at her, “I know what you are!”
I think she was curious to know precisely what I thought she was but I couldn’t remember the name that Dad uses.
Dad seemed quite relieved when I told him and said that I could shout “Gooooaaaal!!” whenever I liked.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Three, I Told You So
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
I Told You So
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
My parents are very disobedient. They ignore all my orders and seem to greet my advice with derisory snorts and laughter.
I’m beginning to realise that my opinions just don’t count. I appear to have no say whatsoever in the day to day running of the household.
Take yesterday for example, I insisted that my Dad should go in the corner for swearing again but was completely ignored. He’s setting a very bad example.
Apparently, his wi-fi connection was playing up and he was getting very agitated believing that his computer was deliberately trying to scupper his attempts to finish work early, so that he could watch the World Cup.
I promptly appeared on the scene armed with my trusty hammer and delivered my prognosis that a few bangs should help to resolve his connectivity issues. Cue derisory snorts from my Dad.
Shortly after this, the swearing commenced and culminated in Dad taking my hammer and banging the hell out of his computer. Funnily enough, that did the trick.
I didn’t like to say I told you so. So, I sung it instead.
For an hour.
All the way through what was left of his football match.
That’ll teach him not to listen to me.
Matthew.
Related Posts: DIY, Playhouse
My parents are very disobedient. They ignore all my orders and seem to greet my advice with derisory snorts and laughter.
I’m beginning to realise that my opinions just don’t count. I appear to have no say whatsoever in the day to day running of the household.
Take yesterday for example, I insisted that my Dad should go in the corner for swearing again but was completely ignored. He’s setting a very bad example.
Apparently, his wi-fi connection was playing up and he was getting very agitated believing that his computer was deliberately trying to scupper his attempts to finish work early, so that he could watch the World Cup.
I promptly appeared on the scene armed with my trusty hammer and delivered my prognosis that a few bangs should help to resolve his connectivity issues. Cue derisory snorts from my Dad.
Shortly after this, the swearing commenced and culminated in Dad taking my hammer and banging the hell out of his computer. Funnily enough, that did the trick.
I didn’t like to say I told you so. So, I sung it instead.
For an hour.
All the way through what was left of his football match.
That’ll teach him not to listen to me.
Matthew.
Related Posts: DIY, Playhouse
Monday, June 12, 2006
Three
Yesterday’s corner time: 0 minutes.
As it was my birthday weekend, there was a temporary armistice on corner time.
My Dad came into my bedroom on Saturday morning and told me that I was now three.
I misheard him and thought he had said free. I whooped for joy, packed my little suitcase and slapped Becca one final time before walking out through the front door.
I was half-way down the drive before Dad caught back up with me and explained that as I was only three, it would be a very, very long time before I was ever free.
I soon forgot about this depressing thought and waded into my pile of gifts.
My main present was a bright red scooter which I’d been wanting for ages. However, my favourite was the cardboard tube from inside the wrapping paper. This should be good for whacking my tennis ball and of course, Becca.
My parents also bought me a clock, which looks like an owl and has ears that pop up telling me when it’s ok to go into their bedroom in the mornings. Well, that’s what they hope but I see this as an excellent opportunity to really irritate them by refusing to grasp the concept.
I’ve already discovered how to move the time forward, so they’ll be getting quite a few rude awakenings.
Matthew.
As it was my birthday weekend, there was a temporary armistice on corner time.
My Dad came into my bedroom on Saturday morning and told me that I was now three.
I misheard him and thought he had said free. I whooped for joy, packed my little suitcase and slapped Becca one final time before walking out through the front door.
I was half-way down the drive before Dad caught back up with me and explained that as I was only three, it would be a very, very long time before I was ever free.
I soon forgot about this depressing thought and waded into my pile of gifts.
My main present was a bright red scooter which I’d been wanting for ages. However, my favourite was the cardboard tube from inside the wrapping paper. This should be good for whacking my tennis ball and of course, Becca.
My parents also bought me a clock, which looks like an owl and has ears that pop up telling me when it’s ok to go into their bedroom in the mornings. Well, that’s what they hope but I see this as an excellent opportunity to really irritate them by refusing to grasp the concept.
I’ve already discovered how to move the time forward, so they’ll be getting quite a few rude awakenings.
Matthew.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Giddy Up
Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.
My spurs arrived in the post yesterday and tomorrow, it’s my birthday. Things don’t get much better than this. My birthday seems like it’s been forever coming. I swear it must have been at least a year since my last one.
The spurs are fantastic and now, when I’m riding on baby Becca's back, I can keep a grip of both of her ears during sudden bursts of speed. This makes her a much more practical mode of transport.
I find that a quick kick of my heels results in an immediate surge of acceleration, although this is generally accompanied by a yelp of pain from Becca. This is alerting Mum to my antics, so I need to find a way of muffling her squeals.
I’ve created a mini show jumping arena in the garden involving a few small fences and hurdles but the grand finale is the water jump over the paddling pool. Becca has yet to successfully make this and is forced to doggy paddle to the side. I think she finds this difficult with me on her back but I don’t want to get my feet wet.
Dad was initially outraged when he discovered us in the garden but then offered to time our laps.
I’m finding it tricky to remain mounted over some of the higher jumps. Becca’s ears, although large, don’t provide me with sufficient leverage. I’ve ordered a saddle and this should arrive within the next few days.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Revelations?
My spurs arrived in the post yesterday and tomorrow, it’s my birthday. Things don’t get much better than this. My birthday seems like it’s been forever coming. I swear it must have been at least a year since my last one.
The spurs are fantastic and now, when I’m riding on baby Becca's back, I can keep a grip of both of her ears during sudden bursts of speed. This makes her a much more practical mode of transport.
I find that a quick kick of my heels results in an immediate surge of acceleration, although this is generally accompanied by a yelp of pain from Becca. This is alerting Mum to my antics, so I need to find a way of muffling her squeals.
I’ve created a mini show jumping arena in the garden involving a few small fences and hurdles but the grand finale is the water jump over the paddling pool. Becca has yet to successfully make this and is forced to doggy paddle to the side. I think she finds this difficult with me on her back but I don’t want to get my feet wet.
Dad was initially outraged when he discovered us in the garden but then offered to time our laps.
I’m finding it tricky to remain mounted over some of the higher jumps. Becca’s ears, although large, don’t provide me with sufficient leverage. I’ve ordered a saddle and this should arrive within the next few days.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Revelations?
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Resignation
Yesterday’s corner time: 15 Minutes.
Mum resigned yesterday.
Apparently, I’ve broken the terms and conditions of the cohabitation agreement under which I’ve been living with my Parents.
This was all news to me. I didn’t realise that we actually had a contract and that Mum could just walk out.
I certainly don’t remember signing anything. Although, when I think about it, Mum was getting me to practice my signature at her desk the other day. I think I need legal advice - my law studies haven’t covered employment legislation.
Mum had seemed to be coping with the day fairly well until she discovered that I had peed in her new handbag.
I was accused of having a fixation and deliberately peeing everywhere except in the toilet itself. She then re-traced my footsteps and demonstrated how I had actually passed the downstairs loo to get to her bag.
Mum then marched upstairs, poked her head into my Dad’s office and handed him her resignation.
Dad didn’t appear to welcome the news and pointed out that her notice period was 18 years.
I didn’t see what happened next but I heard Mum using a few words for which I would normally receive corner time.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Mixed Messages, Expressing Myself, Medals
Mum resigned yesterday.
Apparently, I’ve broken the terms and conditions of the cohabitation agreement under which I’ve been living with my Parents.
This was all news to me. I didn’t realise that we actually had a contract and that Mum could just walk out.
I certainly don’t remember signing anything. Although, when I think about it, Mum was getting me to practice my signature at her desk the other day. I think I need legal advice - my law studies haven’t covered employment legislation.
Mum had seemed to be coping with the day fairly well until she discovered that I had peed in her new handbag.
I was accused of having a fixation and deliberately peeing everywhere except in the toilet itself. She then re-traced my footsteps and demonstrated how I had actually passed the downstairs loo to get to her bag.
Mum then marched upstairs, poked her head into my Dad’s office and handed him her resignation.
Dad didn’t appear to welcome the news and pointed out that her notice period was 18 years.
I didn’t see what happened next but I heard Mum using a few words for which I would normally receive corner time.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Mixed Messages, Expressing Myself, Medals
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Flying
Yesterday’s corner time: 12 Minutes.
I’m getting quite excited as we’re due to go on holiday soon and I can’t wait. For different reasons, neither my Dad nor I like flying.
My first plane trip was last year and after the initial period of panic, crying and running down the aisles screaming, my Dad was eventually sedated and the plane was allowed to taxi to the runway.
I love planes but I find flying actually quite boring and being confined to my chair for several hours, impossible to bear.
I had asked the nice ladies on the plane if I could drive but this had sent Dad into another panic and he had had to be restrained again.
My Mum says that you can see the disappointment of the following row when they realise that I’m sitting in front. I seem to be getting this look wherever I go nowadays.
Anyway, I always try to win over the people behind by playing peek-a-boo for several hours and when they stop playing, I just stare. They always seem to be very pleased when we land. As is my Dad.
As soon as he gets off the plane, he kneels down and kisses the ground. I asked him if he was scared of flying. He said that it’s not so much the flying, it’s the crashing that concerns him.
Matthew.
I’m getting quite excited as we’re due to go on holiday soon and I can’t wait. For different reasons, neither my Dad nor I like flying.
My first plane trip was last year and after the initial period of panic, crying and running down the aisles screaming, my Dad was eventually sedated and the plane was allowed to taxi to the runway.
I love planes but I find flying actually quite boring and being confined to my chair for several hours, impossible to bear.
I had asked the nice ladies on the plane if I could drive but this had sent Dad into another panic and he had had to be restrained again.
My Mum says that you can see the disappointment of the following row when they realise that I’m sitting in front. I seem to be getting this look wherever I go nowadays.
Anyway, I always try to win over the people behind by playing peek-a-boo for several hours and when they stop playing, I just stare. They always seem to be very pleased when we land. As is my Dad.
As soon as he gets off the plane, he kneels down and kisses the ground. I asked him if he was scared of flying. He said that it’s not so much the flying, it’s the crashing that concerns him.
Matthew.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Revelations?
Yesterday’s corner time: 11.1 Minutes.
I think my Dad’s been dreading today for some reason - 06/06/06.
I’m not sure why but I keep catching him looking at me in an odd way, as if he’s expecting my head to spin around or something.
He’s also placed lit candles and strange wooden crosses all around the house.
I don’t know what has come over me but I definitely feel like I’ve got a little bit of the devil in me today. It's another one of those days when I just can't help myself.
As usual, Becca is my main outlet. Her crawling has provided me with a new mode of transport.
As she’s passing, I just hop on her back. Steering can be a bit erratic but luckily, she has big ears and can be directed by a sharp tug.
Adjusting the speed is slightly trickier. Pulling both ears backwards will tend to act as a brake but to increase speed generally involves whipping her, which is a risky manoeuvre, as it requires letting go of one of her ears. I’ve ordered some spurs and they should arrive within the next few days.
Naturally, this has resulted in a significant amount of corner time. Dad said that I’m also being very lazy and could benefit from some more exorcism but I think he meant exercise.
Matthew.
Related Posts: I am Gladiator, Loophole
I think my Dad’s been dreading today for some reason - 06/06/06.
I’m not sure why but I keep catching him looking at me in an odd way, as if he’s expecting my head to spin around or something.
He’s also placed lit candles and strange wooden crosses all around the house.
I don’t know what has come over me but I definitely feel like I’ve got a little bit of the devil in me today. It's another one of those days when I just can't help myself.
As usual, Becca is my main outlet. Her crawling has provided me with a new mode of transport.
As she’s passing, I just hop on her back. Steering can be a bit erratic but luckily, she has big ears and can be directed by a sharp tug.
Adjusting the speed is slightly trickier. Pulling both ears backwards will tend to act as a brake but to increase speed generally involves whipping her, which is a risky manoeuvre, as it requires letting go of one of her ears. I’ve ordered some spurs and they should arrive within the next few days.
Naturally, this has resulted in a significant amount of corner time. Dad said that I’m also being very lazy and could benefit from some more exorcism but I think he meant exercise.
Matthew.
Related Posts: I am Gladiator, Loophole
Monday, June 05, 2006
Boomerang
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.
I had a run in with some aquatic birdlife yesterday, which resulted in a mild concussion.
Dad had suggested that we go over to the park opposite our house and play with a new boomerang that he had bought.
Now, I’m not used to sticks returning to me once I’ve I thrown them. So, I merrily bounded after this new boomerang thingy only to realise that it had circled around and was returning towards me with alarming speed.
“Duck! Duck!” my Dad shouted. Ducks? I couldn’t see any ducks. What on earth was he on about? Was this really the time to …..
The next thing I knew I was waking up on the sofa at home with a nasty headache.
“Dad, what happened? Did a duck hit me?”
“Hmm yes, that’s right son. Just take it easy and try not to think about it. I’m holding up some fingers – how many can you see?”
“Seventy Three.”
“Either severe visual impairment or we really need to work on your counting.”
I’m adding ducks to the list of things that I don’t like. They can go right after bees and storks.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bees, Storks
I had a run in with some aquatic birdlife yesterday, which resulted in a mild concussion.
Dad had suggested that we go over to the park opposite our house and play with a new boomerang that he had bought.
Now, I’m not used to sticks returning to me once I’ve I thrown them. So, I merrily bounded after this new boomerang thingy only to realise that it had circled around and was returning towards me with alarming speed.
“Duck! Duck!” my Dad shouted. Ducks? I couldn’t see any ducks. What on earth was he on about? Was this really the time to …..
The next thing I knew I was waking up on the sofa at home with a nasty headache.
“Dad, what happened? Did a duck hit me?”
“Hmm yes, that’s right son. Just take it easy and try not to think about it. I’m holding up some fingers – how many can you see?”
“Seventy Three.”
“Either severe visual impairment or we really need to work on your counting.”
I’m adding ducks to the list of things that I don’t like. They can go right after bees and storks.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bees, Storks
Friday, June 02, 2006
Harpy Talk
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
Becca now has a limited vocabulary of about 3 words or phrases:
She delivers all of her statements like a screaming harpy – she certainly doesn’t understand the meaning of delicate or restrained.
HIYA – Generally screeched at anything that moves.
AH HA - Generally screeched if anything edible is placed in front of her.
OH OH – Generally screeched if she drops her bear or she sees me coming.
WAAAAAAAARGH! – Generally screeched after I’ve paid her a visit.
Becca reactions have also come along in leaps and bounds – she now has a right jab like a striking cobra.
Yesterday, in a lapse of concentration, I decided that I would give her an affectionate cuddle, unaware that Dad has been conditioning her for months to maim any boy that even attempts a hug or a kiss.
I remember thinking that I wouldn’t make that mistake again as I lay flat on my back, nursing a bloody nose. My ears were ringing but through the fuzz, I could still make out Dad chastising Becca.
“Becca that was terrible. What have I told you about doing that? You should lead with the right, follow up with the left and then give them a swift kick between the legs. Now go on. Do it properly.”
Everything was a bit of a blur after that.
Matthew.
Becca now has a limited vocabulary of about 3 words or phrases:
She delivers all of her statements like a screaming harpy – she certainly doesn’t understand the meaning of delicate or restrained.
HIYA – Generally screeched at anything that moves.
AH HA - Generally screeched if anything edible is placed in front of her.
OH OH – Generally screeched if she drops her bear or she sees me coming.
WAAAAAAAARGH! – Generally screeched after I’ve paid her a visit.
Becca reactions have also come along in leaps and bounds – she now has a right jab like a striking cobra.
Yesterday, in a lapse of concentration, I decided that I would give her an affectionate cuddle, unaware that Dad has been conditioning her for months to maim any boy that even attempts a hug or a kiss.
I remember thinking that I wouldn’t make that mistake again as I lay flat on my back, nursing a bloody nose. My ears were ringing but through the fuzz, I could still make out Dad chastising Becca.
“Becca that was terrible. What have I told you about doing that? You should lead with the right, follow up with the left and then give them a swift kick between the legs. Now go on. Do it properly.”
Everything was a bit of a blur after that.
Matthew.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Exaggeration
Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.
Some presents arrived yesterday from my friend Salvador in Peru.
It looks like I may have a willing accomplice in Salvador. He had sent Becca a doll, which apparently had been manufactured to the highest of Peruvian safety standards and was therefore, for all intents and purposes, lethal.
I had been sent a really nice traditional woolly hat and some finger puppets.
Dad joked that the hat made me look like a gnome. For the remainder of the day, he kept trying to take a picture of me with a fishing rod whilst mumbling something about blackmailing me when I’m older.
I kept asking Dad if I could go to visit Salvador in Peru but he said that there was no way that he was travelling that far with two children under three. Eventually, he showed me where Peru was on the map. He kept telling me that it was a very long way away but it only looked like a few inches to me.
Mum said that it wasn't the first time that Dad had exaggerated a few inches to be something a lot more.
She sounded disappointed.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Are Sisters a Good Idea?, Evel or Evil, Salvador's Blog
Some presents arrived yesterday from my friend Salvador in Peru.
It looks like I may have a willing accomplice in Salvador. He had sent Becca a doll, which apparently had been manufactured to the highest of Peruvian safety standards and was therefore, for all intents and purposes, lethal.
I had been sent a really nice traditional woolly hat and some finger puppets.
Dad joked that the hat made me look like a gnome. For the remainder of the day, he kept trying to take a picture of me with a fishing rod whilst mumbling something about blackmailing me when I’m older.
I kept asking Dad if I could go to visit Salvador in Peru but he said that there was no way that he was travelling that far with two children under three. Eventually, he showed me where Peru was on the map. He kept telling me that it was a very long way away but it only looked like a few inches to me.
Mum said that it wasn't the first time that Dad had exaggerated a few inches to be something a lot more.
She sounded disappointed.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Are Sisters a Good Idea?, Evel or Evil, Salvador's Blog
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