Yesterday’s corner time: 0 Minutes.
Can you believe it? I had absolutely no corner time yesterday.
No, of course, you’re right. I actually spent 6 minutes in the corner. I’m practising my lying but I’m not very good at it. I tend to break down under severe interrogation.
For example:
Becca: WAAAAAAAARGH!
Dad: Matthew, did you bite Becca?
(He’s onto me - let’s try to deflect him.)
Matthew: Why you speaka to me?
Dad: I’m speaking to you because I would like to know if you bit Becca?
(It hasn’t worked, time to play dumb.)
Matthew: I don’t know.
Becca: WAAAAAAAARGH!
Dad: You don’t know if you bit Becca or not?
(He’s persistent - I can’t shake him off. I’d better try to confuse him.)
Matthew: Yes.
Dad: Yes - you bit her?
Matthew: No. Yes - I don’t know if I bit her or not.
Dad: Uh?
(It's working - got to keep it going. After all, he can't prove anything.)
Dad: What are these teeth marks on Becca’s hand?
(Darn it! He’s good. Time to look sheepish. Baa.)
Matthew: Hmm.
Dad: Did you bite Becca?
(I’m in big trouble now.)
Matthew: WAAAAAAAARGH!
What chance did I stand? The guy’s obviously a trained professional.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Goodfella?
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Evolution
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.
We went to the Natural History Museum in London yesterday.
Before we left, Mum had found Becca lying in the living room, stinking of alcohol and clearly inebriated. Next to her was an empty box of chocolate liqueurs. She had polished off the entire contents including all the wrappers.
We scraped Becca up off the floor and packed her into the car. We had to put up with her singing for most of journey before she eventually slipped into a drunken stupor, rattling the windows with her snoring.
The museum had a great Dinosaur exhibition including a live Tyrannosaurus Rex in an enclosure, which we had to file past.
I asked Dad if there was anything that actually scared a T-Rex and he said that Mum, first thing in the morning, would probably give them a good run for their money. So, I stuck close to her. I think the noises and odours emanating from Becca’s direction also helped.
After lunch, we learnt that we are descended from Apes and Dad said that this explained a lot about my behaviour and toiletry habits.
Judging by Becca's performance, I think some of us have descended a bit more than others.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Mad Cow
We went to the Natural History Museum in London yesterday.
Before we left, Mum had found Becca lying in the living room, stinking of alcohol and clearly inebriated. Next to her was an empty box of chocolate liqueurs. She had polished off the entire contents including all the wrappers.
We scraped Becca up off the floor and packed her into the car. We had to put up with her singing for most of journey before she eventually slipped into a drunken stupor, rattling the windows with her snoring.
The museum had a great Dinosaur exhibition including a live Tyrannosaurus Rex in an enclosure, which we had to file past.
I asked Dad if there was anything that actually scared a T-Rex and he said that Mum, first thing in the morning, would probably give them a good run for their money. So, I stuck close to her. I think the noises and odours emanating from Becca’s direction also helped.
After lunch, we learnt that we are descended from Apes and Dad said that this explained a lot about my behaviour and toiletry habits.
Judging by Becca's performance, I think some of us have descended a bit more than others.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Mad Cow
Monday, May 29, 2006
Medals
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
My parents were told off at the garden centre yesterday when the staff caught me weeing into some of the potted plants. The assistant wasn’t amused when my Dad joked that they could probably do with some watering.
Dad said that they should introduce freestyle urination into the next Olympics – we might actually win a gold medal.
In the afternoon, I discovered that I may have been a little hasty in my attempts to dispatch Becca off to Peru. It appears that she may have her uses after all.
We went to “Little Rascals”, which I was expecting to be a club full of like minded individuals but turned out to be an indoor soft play area.
There was a rather pretty girl who appeared to be fascinated with Becca. For the first time ever, I was more than happy to be associated with my sister.
Naturally, I explained to the pretty girl how I adored Becca and looked after her before demonstrating how much fun it was to toss her into the ball pit. Shame, I had been doing so well.
Dad said that they should also introduce Becca Tossing into the next Olympics - we could probably win a medal at that too.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Are Sisters a Good Idea?, Evel or Evil
My parents were told off at the garden centre yesterday when the staff caught me weeing into some of the potted plants. The assistant wasn’t amused when my Dad joked that they could probably do with some watering.
Dad said that they should introduce freestyle urination into the next Olympics – we might actually win a gold medal.
In the afternoon, I discovered that I may have been a little hasty in my attempts to dispatch Becca off to Peru. It appears that she may have her uses after all.
We went to “Little Rascals”, which I was expecting to be a club full of like minded individuals but turned out to be an indoor soft play area.
There was a rather pretty girl who appeared to be fascinated with Becca. For the first time ever, I was more than happy to be associated with my sister.
Naturally, I explained to the pretty girl how I adored Becca and looked after her before demonstrating how much fun it was to toss her into the ball pit. Shame, I had been doing so well.
Dad said that they should also introduce Becca Tossing into the next Olympics - we could probably win a medal at that too.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Are Sisters a Good Idea?, Evel or Evil
Friday, May 26, 2006
The Soprano
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
It appears that Dad has a highly sensitive region between his legs. I discovered this when my head inadvertently connected with the aforementioned area during a game of soccer in the garden yesterday evening.
Initially, he pretended that nothing was wrong but the watery eyes and the soprano-like pitch of his voice betrayed him.
It was when I deliberately whacked him there again to see if the first time was a one-off that I think it really began to upset him, because he dropped to his knees and burst into tears.
I was going in for a third time, when Mum intervened. She had tears in her eyes too but she said that they were from laughter.
Matthew.
It appears that Dad has a highly sensitive region between his legs. I discovered this when my head inadvertently connected with the aforementioned area during a game of soccer in the garden yesterday evening.
Initially, he pretended that nothing was wrong but the watery eyes and the soprano-like pitch of his voice betrayed him.
It was when I deliberately whacked him there again to see if the first time was a one-off that I think it really began to upset him, because he dropped to his knees and burst into tears.
I was going in for a third time, when Mum intervened. She had tears in her eyes too but she said that they were from laughter.
Matthew.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Sticky Fingers
Yesterday’s corner time: 6 Minutes.
My Dad had a minor altercation with another vehicle at a roundabout yesterday, when he crashed into the car in front.
Can you believe that he’s blaming me for this? In the seconds leading up to the bump, I had merely alerted him to the fact that there was an insect inside the car. Well, possibly more accurately, I had screamed hysterically “AARGH! WASP! WASP! WASP! AARGH!”
I think at the same time, Dad felt something brush against his cheek prompting him to flail around frantically whilst rear-ending the car ahead.
In the end, it turned out to be just a gnat but you can never be too careful.
In the evening, I helped Dad attach a doorknob to the playhouse. I was hoping that this would allow us to bond again after the earlier incident.
As we traipsed out into the garden, Mum’s words rang in our ears “Be careful with the Superglue”.
Three minutes later, I was stuck to the playhouse. This was taking bonding too far.
Eventually, after much swearing, Dad managed to free me, I was warned about my language and Mum had called Dad an irresponsible idiot. Balance had again been restored to the universe.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bees, Sweet Revenge, Playhouse, D.I.Y
My Dad had a minor altercation with another vehicle at a roundabout yesterday, when he crashed into the car in front.
Can you believe that he’s blaming me for this? In the seconds leading up to the bump, I had merely alerted him to the fact that there was an insect inside the car. Well, possibly more accurately, I had screamed hysterically “AARGH! WASP! WASP! WASP! AARGH!”
I think at the same time, Dad felt something brush against his cheek prompting him to flail around frantically whilst rear-ending the car ahead.
In the end, it turned out to be just a gnat but you can never be too careful.
In the evening, I helped Dad attach a doorknob to the playhouse. I was hoping that this would allow us to bond again after the earlier incident.
As we traipsed out into the garden, Mum’s words rang in our ears “Be careful with the Superglue”.
Three minutes later, I was stuck to the playhouse. This was taking bonding too far.
Eventually, after much swearing, Dad managed to free me, I was warned about my language and Mum had called Dad an irresponsible idiot. Balance had again been restored to the universe.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bees, Sweet Revenge, Playhouse, D.I.Y
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Infatuation
Yesterday’s corner time: 7 Minutes.
I think I’m in love and it’s having a positive effect on my corner time.
A new girl has started at my nursery school. She’s called Jane and every time she comes near me, I become flustered and tongue tied. This is generally followed by me doing something incredibly stupid to avoid any embarrassing silences.
However, this hasn’t stopped me from trying to win her affections.
So far, I’ve tried the subtle approach – running around screaming with my pants on my head.
I’ve also tried the direct approach – putting her in a headlock and smothering her with kisses.
Neither seems to have impressed her. Girls are so complex.
Yesterday, she sat next to me at lunch and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I knew that I shouldn't have eaten them but there had been another one of those awkward conversational pauses.
Dad suggested that I should try being sweeter and sweep her off her feet. So, I covered myself in sugar and whacked her with a broom. She burst into tears and ran out of the classroom.
That’s the last time I'll take Dad's advice. He obviously knows nothing about the art of seduction.
Matthew.
I think I’m in love and it’s having a positive effect on my corner time.
A new girl has started at my nursery school. She’s called Jane and every time she comes near me, I become flustered and tongue tied. This is generally followed by me doing something incredibly stupid to avoid any embarrassing silences.
However, this hasn’t stopped me from trying to win her affections.
So far, I’ve tried the subtle approach – running around screaming with my pants on my head.
I’ve also tried the direct approach – putting her in a headlock and smothering her with kisses.
Neither seems to have impressed her. Girls are so complex.
Yesterday, she sat next to me at lunch and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I knew that I shouldn't have eaten them but there had been another one of those awkward conversational pauses.
Dad suggested that I should try being sweeter and sweep her off her feet. So, I covered myself in sugar and whacked her with a broom. She burst into tears and ran out of the classroom.
That’s the last time I'll take Dad's advice. He obviously knows nothing about the art of seduction.
Matthew.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Evel or Evil?
Yesterday’s corner time: 35 Minutes.
The Post Office called in the morning and requested that we either collect Becca from their depot or pay the excess charge to ship her to Peru.
Unfortunately, Mum took the call, so we had to go collect her.
Although he hadn’t managed to apprehend me this time, I think Dad was secretly pleased that he had been right - 20 x 1st class stamps wasn’t enough and the mail service does have more frequent collections on a Monday.
In the afternoon, it was raining and once I had been let out of the corner, I was allowed to bring my tricycle indoors.
I promptly turned the ground floor of our house into a Formula 1 Grand Prix circuit, racing around like a complete lunatic.
Unfortunately, my tricycle doesn’t have any brakes, so I had to stop by crashing into things such as chairs, doors, Becca and Grandad John.
Admittedly, I had to take a minor detour to get Becca as she was sleeping on the sofa at the time. Mum found her lying on the floor with a wet tyre mark across her chest.
Dad started calling me Evil Knieval and then just Evil for short.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Are Sisters a Good Idea?, My Friend Salvador's Blog
The Post Office called in the morning and requested that we either collect Becca from their depot or pay the excess charge to ship her to Peru.
Unfortunately, Mum took the call, so we had to go collect her.
Although he hadn’t managed to apprehend me this time, I think Dad was secretly pleased that he had been right - 20 x 1st class stamps wasn’t enough and the mail service does have more frequent collections on a Monday.
In the afternoon, it was raining and once I had been let out of the corner, I was allowed to bring my tricycle indoors.
I promptly turned the ground floor of our house into a Formula 1 Grand Prix circuit, racing around like a complete lunatic.
Unfortunately, my tricycle doesn’t have any brakes, so I had to stop by crashing into things such as chairs, doors, Becca and Grandad John.
Admittedly, I had to take a minor detour to get Becca as she was sleeping on the sofa at the time. Mum found her lying on the floor with a wet tyre mark across her chest.
Dad started calling me Evil Knieval and then just Evil for short.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Are Sisters a Good Idea?, My Friend Salvador's Blog
Monday, May 22, 2006
Are Sisters a Good Idea?
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
Yesterday, I received an email from my new friend, Salvador. He lives in Peru, which I think is somewhere nearby. He was asking for some advice on sisters.
Hola Matthew,
My Dad has told me how good your Blog is, so I thought I’d have a look myself.
I think we could make quite a team.
I too am a victim of Gina ‘Hugo Chavez’ Ford but luckily Mum & Dad left the evil book in England, so I think I’m in the clear for now.
Life is fun here, lots of dressing up and going toilet in the street - not me of course, that’s just the locals. In fact ‘Life in the Corner’ can be quite smelly if the corner in question is on the street.
Tell your Dad your Hamster was lucky to have such a dignified finale, here the Guinea Pigs get fried then popped on a plate with some boiled potatoes - not nice.
I’m actually after a bit of advice, my Mum says a little sister would be nice for me whereas my Dad says that I’m ‘enough’. From your blog, it sounds like you’re an ‘enough’ chap too - please confirm.
Anyway, I’d better go - Mengo and Papayo to shout at.
Saludos,
Salvador.
Hi Salvador,
If you want to try having a sister, you can have mine.
This morning, I tagged Becca with your address and covered her with 1st class stamps but unfortunately, I was apprehended on the way to the post box.
My Dad lectured me about abusing my sister and also about the mail timetable, because apparently, there's no post on a Sunday. He also debated whether 20 x 1st class stamps would be enough to get Becca to Peru. She's a big girl.
My parents seem very fond of Becca, which I find hard to believe. They hope that when she's older, that we'll play together so that they can put their feet up or perhaps, leave the country.
I'd recommend that you run your parents ragged - that should help dispel any notions of a sibling.
Also, if you see a stork - shoot it.
Matthew.
P.S. Have you met Paddington Bear - I believe that he’s from your neck of the woods?
Related Posts: Praise, Hamsters Don't Float, Storks, Salvador's Blog
Yesterday, I received an email from my new friend, Salvador. He lives in Peru, which I think is somewhere nearby. He was asking for some advice on sisters.
Hola Matthew,
My Dad has told me how good your Blog is, so I thought I’d have a look myself.
I think we could make quite a team.
I too am a victim of Gina ‘Hugo Chavez’ Ford but luckily Mum & Dad left the evil book in England, so I think I’m in the clear for now.
Life is fun here, lots of dressing up and going toilet in the street - not me of course, that’s just the locals. In fact ‘Life in the Corner’ can be quite smelly if the corner in question is on the street.
Tell your Dad your Hamster was lucky to have such a dignified finale, here the Guinea Pigs get fried then popped on a plate with some boiled potatoes - not nice.
I’m actually after a bit of advice, my Mum says a little sister would be nice for me whereas my Dad says that I’m ‘enough’. From your blog, it sounds like you’re an ‘enough’ chap too - please confirm.
Anyway, I’d better go - Mengo and Papayo to shout at.
Saludos,
Salvador.
Hi Salvador,
If you want to try having a sister, you can have mine.
This morning, I tagged Becca with your address and covered her with 1st class stamps but unfortunately, I was apprehended on the way to the post box.
My Dad lectured me about abusing my sister and also about the mail timetable, because apparently, there's no post on a Sunday. He also debated whether 20 x 1st class stamps would be enough to get Becca to Peru. She's a big girl.
My parents seem very fond of Becca, which I find hard to believe. They hope that when she's older, that we'll play together so that they can put their feet up or perhaps, leave the country.
I'd recommend that you run your parents ragged - that should help dispel any notions of a sibling.
Also, if you see a stork - shoot it.
Matthew.
P.S. Have you met Paddington Bear - I believe that he’s from your neck of the woods?
Related Posts: Praise, Hamsters Don't Float, Storks, Salvador's Blog
Friday, May 19, 2006
Praise
Yesterday's corner time: 5 Minutes.
I’m often asked for my opinions on the latest parenting books and techniques because as I’m only 2.5 years old, I can provide some unique insight.
My Mum was very keen on the “New Contented Baby Book” by Gina Ford and “Baby Whisperer” by Tracy Hogg.
The biggest problem that I have with the Baby Whisperer is that I can't hear a word that she says.
On the other hand, Gina "The Baby Nazi" Ford scares the living daylights out of me. She's the one who told my Mum all about corner time. As far I'm concerned, this makes her public enemy numero uno, who would be sleeping with the fishes if I had my way and also a big enough fish tank.
Her latest book encourages parents to praise their children as opposed to dwelling on the negative aspects of their behaviour. I think my parents must be having trouble identifying any positive aspects of my behaviour because so far, I’ve been praised for:
Related Posts: Goodfella?, Hamsters Don't Float
I’m often asked for my opinions on the latest parenting books and techniques because as I’m only 2.5 years old, I can provide some unique insight.
My Mum was very keen on the “New Contented Baby Book” by Gina Ford and “Baby Whisperer” by Tracy Hogg.
The biggest problem that I have with the Baby Whisperer is that I can't hear a word that she says.
On the other hand, Gina "The Baby Nazi" Ford scares the living daylights out of me. She's the one who told my Mum all about corner time. As far I'm concerned, this makes her public enemy numero uno, who would be sleeping with the fishes if I had my way and also a big enough fish tank.
Her latest book encourages parents to praise their children as opposed to dwelling on the negative aspects of their behaviour. I think my parents must be having trouble identifying any positive aspects of my behaviour because so far, I’ve been praised for:
- Breathing nicely and quietly
- Blinking
- Standing still
- Sleeping
By the end of the first day, Dad was threatening me with corner time if I didn’t stop breathing.
Matthew.Related Posts: Goodfella?, Hamsters Don't Float
Thursday, May 18, 2006
The End is Nigh
Yesterday’s corner time: 18 Minutes.
The end of the world is nigh – Becca has started crawling.
No more privacy. No more personal space. No more clouting her around the head for no good reason. Actually, scratch that last one.
She follows me around, destroying my lego towers, my model farmyard and my train sets. I've renamed her BecZilla. She’s really fast too. So Grandad John is now officially the slowest member of the family.
It probably won’t be long before I even have to share my corner with her. Something needs to be done.
My Parents keep telling me that change is good but they don’t have an answer when I ask, “Why can’t we change Becca then?”
So, to summarize:
Matthew.
Related Posts: Cops and Bloggers, Coke Addict, Storks, Ketchup
The end of the world is nigh – Becca has started crawling.
No more privacy. No more personal space. No more clouting her around the head for no good reason. Actually, scratch that last one.
She follows me around, destroying my lego towers, my model farmyard and my train sets. I've renamed her BecZilla. She’s really fast too. So Grandad John is now officially the slowest member of the family.
It probably won’t be long before I even have to share my corner with her. Something needs to be done.
My Parents keep telling me that change is good but they don’t have an answer when I ask, “Why can’t we change Becca then?”
So, to summarize:
- My parents aren’t willing to change her.
- It's unlikely that the stork will return to collect her (and personally, I don’t blame it).
- She was too big to flush down the toilet, even when I tried using a plunger.
- Auctioning her on eBay didn’t work. Well, rather it did work but Social Services and the Police intervened. Something about it being illegal.
- She was too heavy to push out the window.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Cops and Bloggers, Coke Addict, Storks, Ketchup
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Gene Pool
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
I was at the bookshelf again yesterday, trying to reach the “Art of War”. Needless to say, I still can’t reach it, so Becca’s comeuppance will have to wait.
Anyway, having spent a few minutes perusing some of the other titles in my parent’s collection, I 'm now officially worried about my gene pool.
I asked Dad where I came from and he said that I had come free with a packet of cornflakes from Walmart and in protest, he's never shopped there again.
Unfortunately, it turns out that he was just joking, so now I'm really concerned because our shelves are filled with books entitled “…. For Dummies” and “The Idiots guide to ….”.
Are my parents complete imbeciles? Are they really that stupid? The books suggest that they are. I’m amazed that they leave them in full view of everyone.
I’m so embarrassed that I’ve started to squirrel away these books around the house.
Only last night, Dad was asking if anyone had seen his “Quantum Physics for Dummies”.
Honestly, does the man have no shame?
I’ve hidden it in Becca’s nappy draw – he’ll never go there.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Rules of Engagement
I was at the bookshelf again yesterday, trying to reach the “Art of War”. Needless to say, I still can’t reach it, so Becca’s comeuppance will have to wait.
Anyway, having spent a few minutes perusing some of the other titles in my parent’s collection, I 'm now officially worried about my gene pool.
I asked Dad where I came from and he said that I had come free with a packet of cornflakes from Walmart and in protest, he's never shopped there again.
Unfortunately, it turns out that he was just joking, so now I'm really concerned because our shelves are filled with books entitled “…. For Dummies” and “The Idiots guide to ….”.
Are my parents complete imbeciles? Are they really that stupid? The books suggest that they are. I’m amazed that they leave them in full view of everyone.
I’m so embarrassed that I’ve started to squirrel away these books around the house.
Only last night, Dad was asking if anyone had seen his “Quantum Physics for Dummies”.
Honestly, does the man have no shame?
I’ve hidden it in Becca’s nappy draw – he’ll never go there.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Rules of Engagement
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
First Aid
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
I had near death experience during lunch yesterday when a piece of carrot became lodged at the back of my throat causing me to choke, gasp for air and turn blue.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Dad then started to wallop me repeatedly on the back. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. It was only when the carrot eventually became dislodged that I could ask him what on earth was he playing at.
Apparently, he was trying to help. I’d hate to see him when he's trying to do someone some real damage.
My Mum has actually been trained in First Aid, which is fortunate because she’ll be able to administer it to my Dad after I get my own back.
Dad also said that I was lucky that I didn’t need a Heimlich manoeuvre. Now, I don’t know who this Heimlich chap is but if his idea of help is anything like my Dad’s, then I’d prefer that he kept his manoeuvres to himself.
Now that I've had this crash course in first aid, in that event that Becca ever starts to choke, I’ll be first on the scene to give her a good walloping.
Matthew.
I had near death experience during lunch yesterday when a piece of carrot became lodged at the back of my throat causing me to choke, gasp for air and turn blue.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Dad then started to wallop me repeatedly on the back. Talk about kicking someone when they’re down. It was only when the carrot eventually became dislodged that I could ask him what on earth was he playing at.
Apparently, he was trying to help. I’d hate to see him when he's trying to do someone some real damage.
My Mum has actually been trained in First Aid, which is fortunate because she’ll be able to administer it to my Dad after I get my own back.
Dad also said that I was lucky that I didn’t need a Heimlich manoeuvre. Now, I don’t know who this Heimlich chap is but if his idea of help is anything like my Dad’s, then I’d prefer that he kept his manoeuvres to himself.
Now that I've had this crash course in first aid, in that event that Becca ever starts to choke, I’ll be first on the scene to give her a good walloping.
Matthew.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Playhouse
Yesterday’s corner time: 18 Minutes.
My parents bought a wooden playhouse for the garden. Unfortunately, this came as a flat pack with an estimated build time of 3 hours. If you’ve read my D.I.Y. posting, then you will understand that this was going to get ugly.
At least two people were required to put the house together. So, I got my trusty toolbox and was ready and willing to assist.
At first, the mood was quite jovial with Dad joking that this was to be my new home but within an hour, not only had I received 2 lots of corner time but I had also been completely banished from the garden.
Admittedly, I probably didn’t react too well when Dad refused to share his power tools with me. It seems to be one set of rules for him and a different set for me. However, I think the final straw came when I filled his precious toolbox with sand. I was promptly marched inside and told that my help was no longer required.
However, it turned out that my help was suddenly good enough after Dad had stupidly left the build instructions on top of our wall and they had blown into our neighbour’s garden.
I was hoisted up by my ankles, dangled over the wall and told to grab the instructions that lay in amongst next-door’s flowers.
“I’ve got it!” I shouted and Dad quickly dragged me back over the wall. I proudly showed him the leaf that I had just picked.
“Not a b#*!#y leaf! I don’t want a b#*!#y leaf - I’ve got plenty of those in our garden. I want the b#*!#y instructions! You know, that great, big, white piece of paper next to where that b#*!#y leaf used to be!”
I thought I could detect a hint of frustration in my Dad’s voice.
Anyway, about 6 hours later and just as it was getting dark, Dad was putting the finishing touches to my new abode.
Mum suggested that the house needed a knob on the inside to help close the door. Dad said that there was one already and it was called Matthew.
Not sure what he means.
Matthew.
Related Posts: D.I.Y.
My parents bought a wooden playhouse for the garden. Unfortunately, this came as a flat pack with an estimated build time of 3 hours. If you’ve read my D.I.Y. posting, then you will understand that this was going to get ugly.
At least two people were required to put the house together. So, I got my trusty toolbox and was ready and willing to assist.
At first, the mood was quite jovial with Dad joking that this was to be my new home but within an hour, not only had I received 2 lots of corner time but I had also been completely banished from the garden.
Admittedly, I probably didn’t react too well when Dad refused to share his power tools with me. It seems to be one set of rules for him and a different set for me. However, I think the final straw came when I filled his precious toolbox with sand. I was promptly marched inside and told that my help was no longer required.
However, it turned out that my help was suddenly good enough after Dad had stupidly left the build instructions on top of our wall and they had blown into our neighbour’s garden.
I was hoisted up by my ankles, dangled over the wall and told to grab the instructions that lay in amongst next-door’s flowers.
“I’ve got it!” I shouted and Dad quickly dragged me back over the wall. I proudly showed him the leaf that I had just picked.
“Not a b#*!#y leaf! I don’t want a b#*!#y leaf - I’ve got plenty of those in our garden. I want the b#*!#y instructions! You know, that great, big, white piece of paper next to where that b#*!#y leaf used to be!”
I thought I could detect a hint of frustration in my Dad’s voice.
Anyway, about 6 hours later and just as it was getting dark, Dad was putting the finishing touches to my new abode.
Mum suggested that the house needed a knob on the inside to help close the door. Dad said that there was one already and it was called Matthew.
Not sure what he means.
Matthew.
Related Posts: D.I.Y.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Loophole
Yesterday's corner time: 9 Minutes.
There was a scare yesterday morning when my Dad thought he had found three smudged sixes behind my left ear. However, it turned out to be just some jam left over from breakfast. Phew.
I’ve discovered a loophole in the swearing law. Now, if Dad says anything resembling a swear word, I simply question:
“Did you say b*#*#!y? You shouldn’t say b*#*#!y. You should go in the corner if you said b*#*#!y. Did you say b*#*#!y?”
Eventually, Dad twigged and I got corner time anyway.
In the afternoon, I discovered that it irritates the hell out of parents when you make up a word and then keep asking them where that item is.
So, throughout the rest of the day, I kept asking where my "gobby-gobby" was. Hilarious.
Eventually, my Dad suggested that if I didn't shut my "gobby-gobby", I'd seriously regret it.
Matthew.
Related Posts: I Am Gladiator, D.I.Y, Introduction
There was a scare yesterday morning when my Dad thought he had found three smudged sixes behind my left ear. However, it turned out to be just some jam left over from breakfast. Phew.
I’ve discovered a loophole in the swearing law. Now, if Dad says anything resembling a swear word, I simply question:
“Did you say b*#*#!y? You shouldn’t say b*#*#!y. You should go in the corner if you said b*#*#!y. Did you say b*#*#!y?”
Eventually, Dad twigged and I got corner time anyway.
In the afternoon, I discovered that it irritates the hell out of parents when you make up a word and then keep asking them where that item is.
So, throughout the rest of the day, I kept asking where my "gobby-gobby" was. Hilarious.
Eventually, my Dad suggested that if I didn't shut my "gobby-gobby", I'd seriously regret it.
Matthew.
Related Posts: I Am Gladiator, D.I.Y, Introduction
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Mad Cow
Yesterday corner time: 3 Minutes.
Yesterday, we visited Paultons Theme Park and had a great time. We went on lots of Roller Coasters, down large slides, bounced on big trampolines and went on a blue train.
I was pretty good apart from a minor altercation with Dad as a result of not wanting to get off the Digger ride.
We then walked through Land of the Dinosaurs. Call me fussy but I'm not terribly fond of cold-blooded, vicious, slimy creatures that are inclined to bite me. And that’s just Becca. Imagine my horror at the prospect of being confronted with Dinosaurs.
Dad said that Dinosaurs detect their prey by movement, so we should keep very still and quiet. I jiggled Becca around and poked her with a large stick but unfortunately, there were still no takers. Perhaps, they had all just eaten.
Mum says Dad's a Dinosaur but when I asked him if he was, he just laughed and said that Mum probably has Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy.
He thought this was really funny but I didn't get it at all.
Matthew.
Yesterday, we visited Paultons Theme Park and had a great time. We went on lots of Roller Coasters, down large slides, bounced on big trampolines and went on a blue train.
I was pretty good apart from a minor altercation with Dad as a result of not wanting to get off the Digger ride.
We then walked through Land of the Dinosaurs. Call me fussy but I'm not terribly fond of cold-blooded, vicious, slimy creatures that are inclined to bite me. And that’s just Becca. Imagine my horror at the prospect of being confronted with Dinosaurs.
Dad said that Dinosaurs detect their prey by movement, so we should keep very still and quiet. I jiggled Becca around and poked her with a large stick but unfortunately, there were still no takers. Perhaps, they had all just eaten.
Mum says Dad's a Dinosaur but when I asked him if he was, he just laughed and said that Mum probably has Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy.
He thought this was really funny but I didn't get it at all.
Matthew.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Goodfella?
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
You’re probably familiar with Baby Mozart and Baby Einstein. Now, I have a lot of respect for these guys, and they may be baby geniuses but they have a lot to answer for.
They’ve set the bar really high for the rest of us and thanks to them, I’m being constantly drilled with picture cards and immersed in classical music.
My Dad says that I'm more like Baby Face Nelson than Baby Einstein. This is as much to do with my underworld activities, as it is to do with a mafia-like tone I’ve seemingly adopted from nowhere:
“Why you speaka to me? I not speaka to you, I speaka to Mummy.”
My Dad believes that it may be due to all the Soprano episodes and Godfather movies he was watching when I was in the womb. Not quite sure where that is. Is it nearby?
This may explain why I have a constant urge to whack Becca and why Hammy-the-Hamster ended up sleeping with the fishes.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Hamsters Don’t Float, Musical Tastes
You’re probably familiar with Baby Mozart and Baby Einstein. Now, I have a lot of respect for these guys, and they may be baby geniuses but they have a lot to answer for.
They’ve set the bar really high for the rest of us and thanks to them, I’m being constantly drilled with picture cards and immersed in classical music.
My Dad says that I'm more like Baby Face Nelson than Baby Einstein. This is as much to do with my underworld activities, as it is to do with a mafia-like tone I’ve seemingly adopted from nowhere:
“Why you speaka to me? I not speaka to you, I speaka to Mummy.”
My Dad believes that it may be due to all the Soprano episodes and Godfather movies he was watching when I was in the womb. Not quite sure where that is. Is it nearby?
This may explain why I have a constant urge to whack Becca and why Hammy-the-Hamster ended up sleeping with the fishes.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Hamsters Don’t Float, Musical Tastes
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Expressing Myself
Yesterday's corner time: 18 Minutes.
Not one of my better days. However, my law studies are benefiting nicely from all this corner time.
The day didn’t start too well when Mum caught me standing on the lounge window sill, weeing out into the front garden.
I don't really understand. Apparently, it's alright for me to wee in the garden when I'm out there playing but not if I'm standing in the lounge? I think my parents make these rules up as they go along.
In the afternoon, I was feeling creative but was in trouble again after I coloured in Baby Becca. She was wearing a striped sleep suit which I thought would look nicer if the white bits were shaded in. This also gave me an excellent opportunity to break in my new set of felt-tip pens.
Unfortunately, I didn’t stop there. I also added quite a lot of colour to Becca's face, hands and legs. For the second time in a day, Mum did a double take when she walked through the lounge.
Mum has added Becca to the long list of things that I'm not allowed to draw on. So far it includes: all walls, doors, floors, furniture and Grandad John when he's sleeping.
So much for being able to exercise my artistic side. However, I'm assuming Grandad John is fair game if he's awake.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Introduction, I Am Gladiator, Sharp Teeth, A Lack of Support, Ketchup
Not one of my better days. However, my law studies are benefiting nicely from all this corner time.
The day didn’t start too well when Mum caught me standing on the lounge window sill, weeing out into the front garden.
I don't really understand. Apparently, it's alright for me to wee in the garden when I'm out there playing but not if I'm standing in the lounge? I think my parents make these rules up as they go along.
In the afternoon, I was feeling creative but was in trouble again after I coloured in Baby Becca. She was wearing a striped sleep suit which I thought would look nicer if the white bits were shaded in. This also gave me an excellent opportunity to break in my new set of felt-tip pens.
Unfortunately, I didn’t stop there. I also added quite a lot of colour to Becca's face, hands and legs. For the second time in a day, Mum did a double take when she walked through the lounge.
Mum has added Becca to the long list of things that I'm not allowed to draw on. So far it includes: all walls, doors, floors, furniture and Grandad John when he's sleeping.
So much for being able to exercise my artistic side. However, I'm assuming Grandad John is fair game if he's awake.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Introduction, I Am Gladiator, Sharp Teeth, A Lack of Support, Ketchup
Monday, May 08, 2006
Storks
Yesterday's corner time: 12 Minutes.
Friday was Becca’s birthday. Annoyingly, she has made it through her first year, despite my best efforts.
I was hoping that the Stork, realising that it had made a mistake, would return to collect her. Although, it would probably have trouble lifting her now. She’s a big girl.
I accidentally opened all Becca’s presents, ripping the paper to shreds. Not that Becca noticed, she was just as happy playing with the paper as she was playing with the presents. I really worry about her sometimes.
However, my Parents weren’t best pleased. They didn’t seem too convinced by the plausibility of my explanation.
“So, you snuck into our room, brought a chair across from the other side, climbed onto the chair, stood on tip-toes and then proceeded to open 8 presents - and all by accident?”
Is that so hard to believe?
Nanna also popped around in the morning to see Becca and to give her a present. Obviously, this was one that I had overlooked.
Becca remained the centre of attention for the rest of the day. Naturally, she revelled in this, making her more annoying than ever.
I’m adding Storks to my list of things that I don’t like. They can go right after bees.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bees
Friday was Becca’s birthday. Annoyingly, she has made it through her first year, despite my best efforts.
I was hoping that the Stork, realising that it had made a mistake, would return to collect her. Although, it would probably have trouble lifting her now. She’s a big girl.
I accidentally opened all Becca’s presents, ripping the paper to shreds. Not that Becca noticed, she was just as happy playing with the paper as she was playing with the presents. I really worry about her sometimes.
However, my Parents weren’t best pleased. They didn’t seem too convinced by the plausibility of my explanation.
“So, you snuck into our room, brought a chair across from the other side, climbed onto the chair, stood on tip-toes and then proceeded to open 8 presents - and all by accident?”
Is that so hard to believe?
Nanna also popped around in the morning to see Becca and to give her a present. Obviously, this was one that I had overlooked.
Becca remained the centre of attention for the rest of the day. Naturally, she revelled in this, making her more annoying than ever.
I’m adding Storks to my list of things that I don’t like. They can go right after bees.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bees
Friday, May 05, 2006
I Am Gladiator
Yesterday's corner time: 23 Minutes.
Every now and then, I just can't stop being naughty. I can't help myself. I run riot.
Yesterday was one of those days. I was put in the corner 10 times.
Again, my Father is partially to blame. He bought me a roman soldier outfit. At first I didn't know what the sword was for - I thought it was for hitting bees (I don't like bees).
So, my Dad showed me Gladiator.
I never looked back:
- I decapitated all the flowers in the back garden.
- I clouted Becca.
- I decapitated all the flowers in the front garden.
- I clouted Becca.
- I tried to harpoon our tropical fish.
- I clouted Becca.
- I bruised the shins of any passing adult.
- I clouted Becca.
- I gave next door's cat the fright of its life.
- I whacked Grandad John on the back of his head. Grandad has two walking sticks, so I thought this was a fair fight, although he was sleeping at the time.
The sword was confiscated. Mum questioned Dad's sanity and then hit him over the head with the sword, which is hardly setting a good example.
Matthew.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Bicycle
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
A better day – I’ve cut down on the cursing. However, I have a problem saying a few other words, for example:
Radiator - I pronounce it Radiolator.
Hippopotamus – I pronounce it Hippomotimusus.
Bike – I pronounce it Dyke.
Normally, this doesn’t pose any problems but yesterday was different. As it was a nice, sunny day, we stopped to have a drink outside a pretty country pub.
My Dad got himself a beer, Mum a cider and me a Coke. Becca already had her own juice cup as she still isn’t civilised enough to have a drink like the rest of us.
The Pub faces out onto a lane and every time a cyclist went past, I shouted out “Dyke!”. This was fine until two rather butch women cycled past. My Dad almost choked on his beer.
The two women stopped dead in their tracks, turned around and cycled back towards where we were sat. My parents tried shrinking under the table but there wasn’t time.
Both Mum and Dad were given a lecture on tolerance and celebrating diversity. My Dad tried to explain but wasn’t given a chance before the two women cycled off in a huff.
Celebrating Diversity? Is that like Christmas or Diwali? I’ll celebrate anything if it involves presents.
Anyway, Dad has asked me to try to say bicycle instead.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Introduction, D.I.Y.
A better day – I’ve cut down on the cursing. However, I have a problem saying a few other words, for example:
Radiator - I pronounce it Radiolator.
Hippopotamus – I pronounce it Hippomotimusus.
Bike – I pronounce it Dyke.
Normally, this doesn’t pose any problems but yesterday was different. As it was a nice, sunny day, we stopped to have a drink outside a pretty country pub.
My Dad got himself a beer, Mum a cider and me a Coke. Becca already had her own juice cup as she still isn’t civilised enough to have a drink like the rest of us.
The Pub faces out onto a lane and every time a cyclist went past, I shouted out “Dyke!”. This was fine until two rather butch women cycled past. My Dad almost choked on his beer.
The two women stopped dead in their tracks, turned around and cycled back towards where we were sat. My parents tried shrinking under the table but there wasn’t time.
Both Mum and Dad were given a lecture on tolerance and celebrating diversity. My Dad tried to explain but wasn’t given a chance before the two women cycled off in a huff.
Celebrating Diversity? Is that like Christmas or Diwali? I’ll celebrate anything if it involves presents.
Anyway, Dad has asked me to try to say bicycle instead.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Introduction, D.I.Y.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
D.I.Y.
Yesterday’s corner time: 21 Minutes.
I’ve learnt the F word.
Again, I picked this up from my Dad. He tried to make out that he had said “fudge” but I knew differently.
My Dad swears a lot when performing any DIY jobs. He also becomes very paranoid, believing that the forces of nature and ill fortune are conspiring against him.
Yesterday, he was tasked with what appeared to be the simple job of mending the valve on the Radiator. I got my toolbox so that I could help.
My Dad knelt on the floor whilst I assisted by standing on his back and swinging on the curtains.
“B*#*#!y typical!! That b*#*#!y nut on the b*#*#!y valve won’t b*#*#!y budge a b*#*#!y inch.”
Once I had established that my Dad hadn't said “fudge”, I proceeded to use the F word for the remainder of the day. Hence the corner time.
In future, Mum says she's going to make Dad stand in the corner whenever he swears, which will mean that he’s very unlikely to finish any DIY jobs.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Introduction
I’ve learnt the F word.
Again, I picked this up from my Dad. He tried to make out that he had said “fudge” but I knew differently.
My Dad swears a lot when performing any DIY jobs. He also becomes very paranoid, believing that the forces of nature and ill fortune are conspiring against him.
Yesterday, he was tasked with what appeared to be the simple job of mending the valve on the Radiator. I got my toolbox so that I could help.
My Dad knelt on the floor whilst I assisted by standing on his back and swinging on the curtains.
“B*#*#!y typical!! That b*#*#!y nut on the b*#*#!y valve won’t b*#*#!y budge a b*#*#!y inch.”
Once I had established that my Dad hadn't said “fudge”, I proceeded to use the F word for the remainder of the day. Hence the corner time.
In future, Mum says she's going to make Dad stand in the corner whenever he swears, which will mean that he’s very unlikely to finish any DIY jobs.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Introduction
Entente Cordiale
Yesterday's corner time: 4 Minutes.
My first time in a foreign corner. It gave me an idea for a new feature which I may introduce to my blog at some point - Guest Corners.
Yesterday, we all went to France for the Day. My Dad likes to organize these trips so that we have an opportunity to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. Although, as far as I can make out, these trips are less about French culture and more about ogling the women and buying huge quantities of French Wine.
After shopping and a long lunch we went for a walk around the old town of Boulogne. I discovered that if I donned my Dad's sunglasses and postured behind groups of French women, they giggled hysterically.
Seeing the success that I was having, my Dad snatched back his sunglasses and started to prance around like a fool. Within 5 minutes he had been arrested by the Gendarmes.
I haven't studied French law but I was surprised that a mid-life crisis was a deemed a criminal offence.
Anyway, after my Mum had chatted to the French police, they released him with just a warning. Mum gave him her own warning. I didn't catch all of it but it ended in "off".
Matthew.
My first time in a foreign corner. It gave me an idea for a new feature which I may introduce to my blog at some point - Guest Corners.
Yesterday, we all went to France for the Day. My Dad likes to organize these trips so that we have an opportunity to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. Although, as far as I can make out, these trips are less about French culture and more about ogling the women and buying huge quantities of French Wine.
After shopping and a long lunch we went for a walk around the old town of Boulogne. I discovered that if I donned my Dad's sunglasses and postured behind groups of French women, they giggled hysterically.
Seeing the success that I was having, my Dad snatched back his sunglasses and started to prance around like a fool. Within 5 minutes he had been arrested by the Gendarmes.
I haven't studied French law but I was surprised that a mid-life crisis was a deemed a criminal offence.
Anyway, after my Mum had chatted to the French police, they released him with just a warning. Mum gave him her own warning. I didn't catch all of it but it ended in "off".
Matthew.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Back to School
Yesterday's corner time: 12 Minutes.
So, Friday at nursery was difficult.
I was hoping that as Hamsters are nocturnal that my classmates wouldn’t notice for a while that Hammy was dead. However, there was a flaw in my plan and my eagle-eyed teacher spotted my ruse immediately.
“Is that a guppy clenched between Hammy’s paws!!?!!”
There was nothing for it, I had to tell the truth.
I explained how Baby Becca had freed Hammy from his cage, subjected him to abject cruelty before tossing him over her shoulder, where unfortunately, he landed in our fish tank.
I demonstrated how I had tried to revive him with mouth-to-mouth and CPR but all to no avail. Despite my heroics, I just couldn’t save him.
The class held a minute’s silence for both Hammy and the Guppy, before laying them to rest in the school garden.
The girls were very upset and I did my best to console them by running around like a lunatic with no trousers on and doing forward rolls. My Teacher told me off but I argued that grief effected people in different ways.
I made a mental note of the burial spot and agreed with Charlie that we’d go back and dig up Hammy in a few days to see what was happening.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Sharp Teeth, Free Fallin', Hamsters Don't Float
So, Friday at nursery was difficult.
I was hoping that as Hamsters are nocturnal that my classmates wouldn’t notice for a while that Hammy was dead. However, there was a flaw in my plan and my eagle-eyed teacher spotted my ruse immediately.
“Is that a guppy clenched between Hammy’s paws!!?!!”
There was nothing for it, I had to tell the truth.
I explained how Baby Becca had freed Hammy from his cage, subjected him to abject cruelty before tossing him over her shoulder, where unfortunately, he landed in our fish tank.
I demonstrated how I had tried to revive him with mouth-to-mouth and CPR but all to no avail. Despite my heroics, I just couldn’t save him.
The class held a minute’s silence for both Hammy and the Guppy, before laying them to rest in the school garden.
The girls were very upset and I did my best to console them by running around like a lunatic with no trousers on and doing forward rolls. My Teacher told me off but I argued that grief effected people in different ways.
I made a mental note of the burial spot and agreed with Charlie that we’d go back and dig up Hammy in a few days to see what was happening.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Sharp Teeth, Free Fallin', Hamsters Don't Float
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