Yesterday’s corner time: 5 Minutes.
It was a weekend of mixed emotions - some of which were very confusing.
I think my friend Max may fancy Becca. He’s completely besotted by her womanly charms and refuses to play with me anymore, preferring instead to hold her hand all the time.
This is completely unacceptable. What is he thinking - she’s only half his age. Is he having a mid-life crisis at three years old? He’ll be driving a convertible go-cart next and getting his ears pierced. I just hope he snaps out of it soon - I want my friend back.
Becca is certainly sneaky – she keeps finding new and perverse ways of irritating me. If stealing my friend wasn’t bad enough, then she has now also started to walk.
In some respects, this is exciting as I can now chase her and push her over. However, on the other hand, I’ve lost my primary mode of transport.
I’ve tried to encourage her to crawl again, so that I can hop onto her back but she seems physically incapable of bending any more. I tried whacking her in the stomach but she still remained rigid and retaliated by poking me in the eye.
Her increased reach is another downside of her newfound ability. She appears to be becoming an increasingly worthy adversary with each passing day.
I checked and I still can’t reach the “Art of War” on our bookcase but it shouldn’t be much longer.
Matthew.
Related Links: Revelations?, Giddy Up, Horseplay
Monday, July 31, 2006
Friday, July 28, 2006
Play Date
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.
I had a play date with Emily yesterday. Things have moved on quite a bit since she ordered her lawyers to drop the restraining order.
I was determined not to make the same mistakes as before and resolved that this time, I would play it cool.
On arrival at her house, we parked in the drive and then walked up to the house. As the front door swung open, Emily was revealed standing at the foot of the stairs and she said hello. Well, I didn’t need asking twice, I raced in and pounced on her.
My ardour was interrupted by Mum hauling me off. Emily clambered up and immediately started to leaf through the phone book for her lawyer’s number. I decided that I needed to perhaps play things even cooler.
However, I may then have appeared slightly too disinterested as she was soon accusing me of not loving her any more. I seem to be struggling to find a happy medium between solitude and legal action.
My friend's sister seems like an easier proposition altogether. She only has to get partially wet and she starts to strip off all her clothes. Living in England as we do with our damp climate, this is a personality trait that can’t easily be ignored.
It’s fortunate for her that I’m a gentleman and would never consider dousing her with my water pistol. Well, not again anyway – I was in a enough trouble after the first three times.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Emily, Bubbly, Hard to Get
I had a play date with Emily yesterday. Things have moved on quite a bit since she ordered her lawyers to drop the restraining order.
I was determined not to make the same mistakes as before and resolved that this time, I would play it cool.
On arrival at her house, we parked in the drive and then walked up to the house. As the front door swung open, Emily was revealed standing at the foot of the stairs and she said hello. Well, I didn’t need asking twice, I raced in and pounced on her.
My ardour was interrupted by Mum hauling me off. Emily clambered up and immediately started to leaf through the phone book for her lawyer’s number. I decided that I needed to perhaps play things even cooler.
However, I may then have appeared slightly too disinterested as she was soon accusing me of not loving her any more. I seem to be struggling to find a happy medium between solitude and legal action.
My friend's sister seems like an easier proposition altogether. She only has to get partially wet and she starts to strip off all her clothes. Living in England as we do with our damp climate, this is a personality trait that can’t easily be ignored.
It’s fortunate for her that I’m a gentleman and would never consider dousing her with my water pistol. Well, not again anyway – I was in a enough trouble after the first three times.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Emily, Bubbly, Hard to Get
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Curling
Yesterday’s corner time: 8 Minutes.
I was in trouble yesterday after spilling polish over our wooden floors, turning them into something closely resembling an ice rink.
Rather than alerting my Parents to this potentially hazardous spillage, I decided that it was more fun to hide in the lounge and call out to Becca. She would then barrel in on all fours, lose all traction, collapsing with limbs splayed and start to skid.
I stood prepared with my trusty broom and moving one step ahead at all times, feverishly polished the surface immediately in front her, encouraging and guiding her slide towards the bulls eye target that I had marked out at the end of the room.
I would then drag her back out into the hallway, call out to her again and so on. When I got bored of that, I pretended Becca was an ice hockey puck and slapped her across the room with the end of my broom, using the coffee table as the goal.
All was fine and my accuracy was improving greatly when Dad strode purposefully into the room and then rather unexpectedly, disappeared again into the kitchen after skidding across the now, highly polished floor.
Having removed his socks, Dad was slightly more cautious when he re-entered the lounge and immediately directed me to the sin bin, ruining any chances that I may have had for a podium place at the next Winter Olympics.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Medals
I was in trouble yesterday after spilling polish over our wooden floors, turning them into something closely resembling an ice rink.
Rather than alerting my Parents to this potentially hazardous spillage, I decided that it was more fun to hide in the lounge and call out to Becca. She would then barrel in on all fours, lose all traction, collapsing with limbs splayed and start to skid.
I stood prepared with my trusty broom and moving one step ahead at all times, feverishly polished the surface immediately in front her, encouraging and guiding her slide towards the bulls eye target that I had marked out at the end of the room.
I would then drag her back out into the hallway, call out to her again and so on. When I got bored of that, I pretended Becca was an ice hockey puck and slapped her across the room with the end of my broom, using the coffee table as the goal.
All was fine and my accuracy was improving greatly when Dad strode purposefully into the room and then rather unexpectedly, disappeared again into the kitchen after skidding across the now, highly polished floor.
Having removed his socks, Dad was slightly more cautious when he re-entered the lounge and immediately directed me to the sin bin, ruining any chances that I may have had for a podium place at the next Winter Olympics.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Medals
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Sea Life
Yesterday’s corner time: 6 Minutes.
Saturday started off badly for me after I took a dislike to one of our fellow campers, a six year old boy who derived great pleasure in scaring me witless. My dislike eventually manifested itself through a swift blow of my stick to his neck, reducing him to tears.
I stood triumphant or rather, I would have done had I not been dragged off to stand behind a tree for 3 Minutes. I thought that I might have been spared punishment as there were no corners to hand but once again, Dad demonstrated his aptitude for improvisation.
Later in the morning, as it was still raining on and off, we visited a local Aquarium. I was particularly looking forward to seeing the Clown fish but apparently, it was depressed and wasn’t in the mood for entertaining.
The Piranhas were quite interesting and the way they stripped down their prey in a few frenzied seconds reminded me much of Becca eating an ice cream.
There was a pool where you could actually stroke the fish. After patting one slightly too vigorously, I discovered that unlike their feline counterparts, a Catfish appears to have just the one life when it keeled over and floated to the top. I decided that it was best not to mention anything and moved quickly on.
Next on my list were the Conger Eels. I was disappointed not to find them dancing along in a line, holding each other's waists.
Dad explained that it was only the Conga Eels that liked to do that and the Aquarium didn't have any of them. Shame.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Camping, Tent
Saturday started off badly for me after I took a dislike to one of our fellow campers, a six year old boy who derived great pleasure in scaring me witless. My dislike eventually manifested itself through a swift blow of my stick to his neck, reducing him to tears.
I stood triumphant or rather, I would have done had I not been dragged off to stand behind a tree for 3 Minutes. I thought that I might have been spared punishment as there were no corners to hand but once again, Dad demonstrated his aptitude for improvisation.
Later in the morning, as it was still raining on and off, we visited a local Aquarium. I was particularly looking forward to seeing the Clown fish but apparently, it was depressed and wasn’t in the mood for entertaining.
The Piranhas were quite interesting and the way they stripped down their prey in a few frenzied seconds reminded me much of Becca eating an ice cream.
There was a pool where you could actually stroke the fish. After patting one slightly too vigorously, I discovered that unlike their feline counterparts, a Catfish appears to have just the one life when it keeled over and floated to the top. I decided that it was best not to mention anything and moved quickly on.
Next on my list were the Conger Eels. I was disappointed not to find them dancing along in a line, holding each other's waists.
Dad explained that it was only the Conga Eels that liked to do that and the Aquarium didn't have any of them. Shame.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Camping, Tent
Monday, July 24, 2006
Camping
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
We went camping down in the New Forest with our new tent this weekend.
I embraced the great outdoors and promptly marked out the boundaries of our camp by weeing on the surrounding trees.
I calculated that that would keep out everyone except the most determined trespassers but just in case, I began to dig a six-foot deep trench reinforced with sharp stakes.
Dad said that this was not really in the spirit of camping but I suggested that he wouldn’t be saying that when someone pinched our choccie biscuits.
However, it soon transpired that the natives were a friendly bunch and I was able to step down our defences.
Naturally, after the country experiencing a heat wave for 14 consecutive days, within three hours of pitching our tent, the heavens opened, thunder rolled and lightning flashed.
I awoke in the middle of the storm and amidst the deafening claps of thunder and the babbling of rising flood waters, I could hear Dad expounding the virtues of camping to Mum.
Mum did quite a bit of expounding herself but it’s not printable.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Tent
We went camping down in the New Forest with our new tent this weekend.
I embraced the great outdoors and promptly marked out the boundaries of our camp by weeing on the surrounding trees.
I calculated that that would keep out everyone except the most determined trespassers but just in case, I began to dig a six-foot deep trench reinforced with sharp stakes.
Dad said that this was not really in the spirit of camping but I suggested that he wouldn’t be saying that when someone pinched our choccie biscuits.
However, it soon transpired that the natives were a friendly bunch and I was able to step down our defences.
Naturally, after the country experiencing a heat wave for 14 consecutive days, within three hours of pitching our tent, the heavens opened, thunder rolled and lightning flashed.
I awoke in the middle of the storm and amidst the deafening claps of thunder and the babbling of rising flood waters, I could hear Dad expounding the virtues of camping to Mum.
Mum did quite a bit of expounding herself but it’s not printable.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Tent
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Curiouser and Curiouser
Yesterday’s corner time: 6 Minutes.
I think the heat went to my head a little bit yesterday and I was a tad irritable. I may have overreacted slightly when Becca spilt my drink and I started shouting at her “Die, Die, Die”.
Mum was extremely shocked and demanded to know where I had learnt such a horrible phrase. I didn’t want to land Dad in trouble, so I told her that I had learnt it upstairs. She then narrowed down the location to Dad’s office and the time down to Wednesday afternoon at about tea time. Just around the time that his wireless connection died again.
She then put two and two together and came up with Dad. I’m not quite sure of the maths involved there, I’d like to see her workings but the answer was spot on. Not that I liked to say so. But I said so anyway.
It’s curious how Dad keeps misplacing his wireless connection. He’s completely mystified by its seemingly random instability. It strikes me as being pretty careless. He’s always loosing it and he has the cheek to tell me that I need to be more careful with my possessions.
I’ve actually got a very good hiding place now behind the television. This is also where Dad keeps his wireless signal thingy. It keeps getting in my way when I go to retrieve my toys and I have to keep putting the aerial down.
Coincidently, I tend to hear Dad swearing upstairs shortly afterwards and this acts as handy reminder for me to put the aerial back up.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Matthew’s Dad Was Here, I Told You So
I think the heat went to my head a little bit yesterday and I was a tad irritable. I may have overreacted slightly when Becca spilt my drink and I started shouting at her “Die, Die, Die”.
Mum was extremely shocked and demanded to know where I had learnt such a horrible phrase. I didn’t want to land Dad in trouble, so I told her that I had learnt it upstairs. She then narrowed down the location to Dad’s office and the time down to Wednesday afternoon at about tea time. Just around the time that his wireless connection died again.
She then put two and two together and came up with Dad. I’m not quite sure of the maths involved there, I’d like to see her workings but the answer was spot on. Not that I liked to say so. But I said so anyway.
It’s curious how Dad keeps misplacing his wireless connection. He’s completely mystified by its seemingly random instability. It strikes me as being pretty careless. He’s always loosing it and he has the cheek to tell me that I need to be more careful with my possessions.
I’ve actually got a very good hiding place now behind the television. This is also where Dad keeps his wireless signal thingy. It keeps getting in my way when I go to retrieve my toys and I have to keep putting the aerial down.
Coincidently, I tend to hear Dad swearing upstairs shortly afterwards and this acts as handy reminder for me to put the aerial back up.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Matthew’s Dad Was Here, I Told You So
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Matthew's Dad Was Here
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
Hi, I’m Matthew’s Dad.
I’ve got to be quick because Matthew might come back at any moment. He’s just stepped out of the room to terrorize Becca, his baby sister. I think he needed some more material for this blog. Anyway, he’s left himself logged on by mistake.
The corner time above is actually mine. Matthew caught me swearing again.
He has ears like a bat and materializes from absolutely nowhere at the merest hint of a swear word. It scares the life out of me. He just appears behind me proclaiming that I shouldn’t be saying rude words and then orders me to into the corner. Well, you have to set a good example, so I generally oblige. Although, I dispense with the one minute per year of life rule – I’d be in there all day.
I was experiencing more problems with my b#$%£y wireless network connection yesterday, so I was punished three times by the little fascist. He’s like a mini-Mussolini.
I find it quite ironic that he’s punishing me when he’s still in my bad books for blowing his nose in the cleaning cloth for my new Ray Bans. He then has the audacity to highlight that it’s totally uncool to sport mucus on your shades. He appears to have a natural affinity for mischief and less of one for a handkerchief.
When it comes to fashion, he thinks he’s ahead of his time but I keep telling him that’s only because his watch is fast.
Matthew’s Dad.
Related Posts: Trend Setter, I Told You So, Art Attack
Hi, I’m Matthew’s Dad.
I’ve got to be quick because Matthew might come back at any moment. He’s just stepped out of the room to terrorize Becca, his baby sister. I think he needed some more material for this blog. Anyway, he’s left himself logged on by mistake.
The corner time above is actually mine. Matthew caught me swearing again.
He has ears like a bat and materializes from absolutely nowhere at the merest hint of a swear word. It scares the life out of me. He just appears behind me proclaiming that I shouldn’t be saying rude words and then orders me to into the corner. Well, you have to set a good example, so I generally oblige. Although, I dispense with the one minute per year of life rule – I’d be in there all day.
I was experiencing more problems with my b#$%£y wireless network connection yesterday, so I was punished three times by the little fascist. He’s like a mini-Mussolini.
I find it quite ironic that he’s punishing me when he’s still in my bad books for blowing his nose in the cleaning cloth for my new Ray Bans. He then has the audacity to highlight that it’s totally uncool to sport mucus on your shades. He appears to have a natural affinity for mischief and less of one for a handkerchief.
When it comes to fashion, he thinks he’s ahead of his time but I keep telling him that’s only because his watch is fast.
Matthew’s Dad.
Related Posts: Trend Setter, I Told You So, Art Attack
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Trend Setter
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
We’re experiencing a bit of a heat wave at the moment in England. We normally consider two consecutive days of sunshine a heat wave in this country but this time, it’s actually pretty hot.
Naturally, this has provided Dad with a perfect excuse to buy himself yet another pair of sunglasses. I don’t know why he can’t make do with just one pair like the rest of us.
That said, I’ve actually got two pairs and I like to wear them both at the same time, one pair above the other. Dad says that this makes me look like a fly but I keep telling him that I’m ahead of my time when it comes to fashion.
Other trends that I’m setting and expect to be hitting a street near you soon are:
We’re experiencing a bit of a heat wave at the moment in England. We normally consider two consecutive days of sunshine a heat wave in this country but this time, it’s actually pretty hot.
Naturally, this has provided Dad with a perfect excuse to buy himself yet another pair of sunglasses. I don’t know why he can’t make do with just one pair like the rest of us.
That said, I’ve actually got two pairs and I like to wear them both at the same time, one pair above the other. Dad says that this makes me look like a fly but I keep telling him that I’m ahead of my time when it comes to fashion.
Other trends that I’m setting and expect to be hitting a street near you soon are:
- Underwear worn on the head
- Hawaiian shirts worn over whatever else you are wearing including pyjamas.
- Willy hanging out over trousers.
That last one is probably just for the boys and I’d advise not wearing too tight a belt, as this can restrict the blood supply leading to a serious injury.
Anyway, Dad is particularly precious about his new Ray Ban sunglasses. Therefore, he was quite upset when he went to polish them with the special cloth supplied in their case only to find that I had used it earlier to blow my nose, resulting in the lenses being smeared with mucus.
Definitely not a cool look and as I pointed out, one that wouldn’t be catching on soon.
It’s lucky he’s got me.
Matthew.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Tent
Yesterday's corner time: 2 Minutes.
We bought a huge family tent on Saturday and then on Sunday, Dad tested it out.
It took him 3 hours to erect it and then it remained up for the rest of the day.
Mum was very pleased and said that Dad normally struggled to get it up and that it certainly hadn’t stayed up that long before without pharmaceutical assistance. Mum and Dad thought this to be very funny.
Throughout the remainder of the day, Mum and Dad continued to make a lot of similar comments, which I didn’t understand. Apparently, it was some sort of private joke.
I couldn’t wait for the tent to be built, so I was very excited when Dad eventually came into the kitchen and announced that it he had finally managed to get it elevated but then asked Mum where she’d now like the tent. Another false alarm and more giggles.
However, it turned out that he was just joking and that he had actually managed to assemble the tent. Much to his annoyance, I then spent several enjoyable hours doing my best to collapse it again, almost strangling myself on the guy ropes in the process.
I think I’m going to enjoy camping.
Matthew.
We bought a huge family tent on Saturday and then on Sunday, Dad tested it out.
It took him 3 hours to erect it and then it remained up for the rest of the day.
Mum was very pleased and said that Dad normally struggled to get it up and that it certainly hadn’t stayed up that long before without pharmaceutical assistance. Mum and Dad thought this to be very funny.
Throughout the remainder of the day, Mum and Dad continued to make a lot of similar comments, which I didn’t understand. Apparently, it was some sort of private joke.
I couldn’t wait for the tent to be built, so I was very excited when Dad eventually came into the kitchen and announced that it he had finally managed to get it elevated but then asked Mum where she’d now like the tent. Another false alarm and more giggles.
However, it turned out that he was just joking and that he had actually managed to assemble the tent. Much to his annoyance, I then spent several enjoyable hours doing my best to collapse it again, almost strangling myself on the guy ropes in the process.
I think I’m going to enjoy camping.
Matthew.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Art Attack
Yesterday’s corner time: 3 Minutes.
I consider myself to be a talented artist.
I excel at surrealism and I dabble in the abstract. I’ve tried cubism but I struggled to even draw a square, so a three dimensional object was completely beyond me.
I then moved onto impressionism but I was no good at impressions. According to Dad, the only person that I resemble is Mussolini. I assume that he’s a famous Italian artist.
I’m now in my Abstract Surrealism period and my colour is red. I use Becca as my canvas. I enjoy covering her with glue and sticking cotton wool to her head.
By the time I’m finished, she generally resembles a sheep or a cloud. I’m not sure which but that’s the good thing about Abstract Surrealism.
My parents always attempt to be positive about my artwork, complimenting me on my wide and varied use of red. However, I think they may be concerned that this represents internalized anger.
I plan to start telling them that the red signifies the blood of my victims - that should get them really worried about my psychological state.
Yesterday, I was at the kitchen table with my Art Kit and a blank Becca in front of me, about to create another cloud or sheep when in wandered Dad. He asked if I was waiting for inspiration to strike.
Well, after that I just couldn’t concentrate. I had to keep looking over my shoulder to ensure that inspiration wasn’t sneaking up behind me.
Apparently, it could hit me at anytime.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Expressing Myself
I consider myself to be a talented artist.
I excel at surrealism and I dabble in the abstract. I’ve tried cubism but I struggled to even draw a square, so a three dimensional object was completely beyond me.
I then moved onto impressionism but I was no good at impressions. According to Dad, the only person that I resemble is Mussolini. I assume that he’s a famous Italian artist.
I’m now in my Abstract Surrealism period and my colour is red. I use Becca as my canvas. I enjoy covering her with glue and sticking cotton wool to her head.
By the time I’m finished, she generally resembles a sheep or a cloud. I’m not sure which but that’s the good thing about Abstract Surrealism.
My parents always attempt to be positive about my artwork, complimenting me on my wide and varied use of red. However, I think they may be concerned that this represents internalized anger.
I plan to start telling them that the red signifies the blood of my victims - that should get them really worried about my psychological state.
Yesterday, I was at the kitchen table with my Art Kit and a blank Becca in front of me, about to create another cloud or sheep when in wandered Dad. He asked if I was waiting for inspiration to strike.
Well, after that I just couldn’t concentrate. I had to keep looking over my shoulder to ensure that inspiration wasn’t sneaking up behind me.
Apparently, it could hit me at anytime.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Expressing Myself
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Hard to Get
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.
Breaking news - Emily has lifted her restraining order. Hoorah!
Apparently, she was playing hard to get. Playing hard to get? I thought girls were complex enough without this new added dimension of intricacy.
So, if I understand it correctly, it goes something like this:
You like them.
They like you.
You make an advance.
They reject you.
You make a slightly stronger advance.
They reject you slightly more strongly.
You jump on them and smother them with kisses.
They issue a restraining order.
You break the restraining order and are arrested.
They visit you in prison and tell you how much they regret what has happened.
You dig a tunnel, escape from prison, go on the run and turn up on their doorstep.
They call the police and turn you in.
You rot in jail.
I don’t understand - it doesn’t make sense. Why on earth would girls behave in such a manner if they like you? I haven’t experienced anything like this before.
If I’m offered a sandwich and I’m hungry, I don’t ignore it, pretending that there are plenty of other sandwiches that interest me more. No, I grab the sandwich with both hands and devour it on the spot. Naturally, once I’ve eaten that sandwich, I may then decide to partake of another one but that’s beside the point.
I’m not quite sure what this has to do with girls, but all this talk of sandwiches is making me pretty peckish.
Anyway, I’ve reached the conclusion that girls are crazy. Dad says that’s half the fun but what’s the other half?
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bubbly, Emily
Breaking news - Emily has lifted her restraining order. Hoorah!
Apparently, she was playing hard to get. Playing hard to get? I thought girls were complex enough without this new added dimension of intricacy.
So, if I understand it correctly, it goes something like this:
You like them.
They like you.
You make an advance.
They reject you.
You make a slightly stronger advance.
They reject you slightly more strongly.
You jump on them and smother them with kisses.
They issue a restraining order.
You break the restraining order and are arrested.
They visit you in prison and tell you how much they regret what has happened.
You dig a tunnel, escape from prison, go on the run and turn up on their doorstep.
They call the police and turn you in.
You rot in jail.
I don’t understand - it doesn’t make sense. Why on earth would girls behave in such a manner if they like you? I haven’t experienced anything like this before.
If I’m offered a sandwich and I’m hungry, I don’t ignore it, pretending that there are plenty of other sandwiches that interest me more. No, I grab the sandwich with both hands and devour it on the spot. Naturally, once I’ve eaten that sandwich, I may then decide to partake of another one but that’s beside the point.
I’m not quite sure what this has to do with girls, but all this talk of sandwiches is making me pretty peckish.
Anyway, I’ve reached the conclusion that girls are crazy. Dad says that’s half the fun but what’s the other half?
Matthew.
Related Posts: Bubbly, Emily
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Bubbly
Yesterday’s corner time: 5 Minutes.
Yesterday morning, I filled Becca’s drinking cup with bubble liquid.
She drank the entire contents before being violently sick and then continued to burp bubbles for the remainder of the day.
Through trial and error, I discovered that I could control both the size and the frequency of the bubbles by applying differing degrees of pressure to her abdomen.
Experiments to make them emerge from her ears failed. As soon as I held both her mouth and nose shut, she objected so strongly that it drew Mum’s attention.
Once I was let back out of the corner, I was allowed to help Mum open the post.
Unfortunately, one of the letters contained a restraining order from Emily’s lawyers.
This was a disappointing development. Perhaps, it had been terror after all that I had seen in her eyes. I really need to learn to differentiate as it’s having a dramatic impact on my love life.
However, I’m ever the eternal optimist and believe that true love can conquer all, although it may well draw the line at legal action and a short spell in prison.
Looks like Dad may have a point about finesse.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Emily, Adoration, Infatuation
Yesterday morning, I filled Becca’s drinking cup with bubble liquid.
She drank the entire contents before being violently sick and then continued to burp bubbles for the remainder of the day.
Through trial and error, I discovered that I could control both the size and the frequency of the bubbles by applying differing degrees of pressure to her abdomen.
Experiments to make them emerge from her ears failed. As soon as I held both her mouth and nose shut, she objected so strongly that it drew Mum’s attention.
Once I was let back out of the corner, I was allowed to help Mum open the post.
Unfortunately, one of the letters contained a restraining order from Emily’s lawyers.
This was a disappointing development. Perhaps, it had been terror after all that I had seen in her eyes. I really need to learn to differentiate as it’s having a dramatic impact on my love life.
However, I’m ever the eternal optimist and believe that true love can conquer all, although it may well draw the line at legal action and a short spell in prison.
Looks like Dad may have a point about finesse.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Emily, Adoration, Infatuation
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Emily
Yesterday's corner time: 2 Minutes
I’m in love. Well, I think I’m in love – I’m not quite sure. I thought I was in love once before but it turned out to be just an upset stomach, followed by some projectile vomiting.
I’m hoping that actually being in love is much better than that but so far, it feels pretty similar. Dad has given me a bucket, just in case.
It all began at Chessington World of Adventures. Our eyes met across the crowded Flying Pink Elephant ride. There was an instant attraction.
My heart started beating faster and faster. My palms became sweaty and my face flushed. What was happening to me? What was wrong? The Pink Elephant ride didn’t normally have this effect.
Then I realised it was because of Emily, for that was her name. It hung upon my lips for the briefest of moments, right up until I forgot it and started calling her Jane.
This may have explained why she ignored much of what I said.
All of Dad’s advice on girls started to flood my brain: be sweet, sweep them off their feet, use finesse. His tips had failed me before, so I chose to rely on my own instincts.
I sidled up to Emily in the Berry Bouncer queue. I spun her around and planted a huge kiss on her lips. There was a flicker in her eyes. I think it may have been adoration but it could also have been terror. I always get the two confused.
The kiss lasted for ages and her initial protestations subsided together with her oxygen supply.
As we parted, we both knew that we had just shared something very special. She dropped to the floor, gasping for air and unable to speak. She was obviously overcome with emotion.
I offered to walk her back to her buggy but she just signalled that she’d prefer that I didn’t. I don’t think she could bear to say goodbye.
It was a defining moment and it passed all too fleetingly. Neither of us would ever be the same again.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Infatuation, Adoration.
I’m in love. Well, I think I’m in love – I’m not quite sure. I thought I was in love once before but it turned out to be just an upset stomach, followed by some projectile vomiting.
I’m hoping that actually being in love is much better than that but so far, it feels pretty similar. Dad has given me a bucket, just in case.
It all began at Chessington World of Adventures. Our eyes met across the crowded Flying Pink Elephant ride. There was an instant attraction.
My heart started beating faster and faster. My palms became sweaty and my face flushed. What was happening to me? What was wrong? The Pink Elephant ride didn’t normally have this effect.
Then I realised it was because of Emily, for that was her name. It hung upon my lips for the briefest of moments, right up until I forgot it and started calling her Jane.
This may have explained why she ignored much of what I said.
All of Dad’s advice on girls started to flood my brain: be sweet, sweep them off their feet, use finesse. His tips had failed me before, so I chose to rely on my own instincts.
I sidled up to Emily in the Berry Bouncer queue. I spun her around and planted a huge kiss on her lips. There was a flicker in her eyes. I think it may have been adoration but it could also have been terror. I always get the two confused.
The kiss lasted for ages and her initial protestations subsided together with her oxygen supply.
As we parted, we both knew that we had just shared something very special. She dropped to the floor, gasping for air and unable to speak. She was obviously overcome with emotion.
I offered to walk her back to her buggy but she just signalled that she’d prefer that I didn’t. I don’t think she could bear to say goodbye.
It was a defining moment and it passed all too fleetingly. Neither of us would ever be the same again.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Infatuation, Adoration.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Fun Fayre
Yesterday’s corner time: 0 Minutes
I’ve been very good since the demolition but I’m not sure for how much longer I can continue to remain out of trouble.
On Saturday, we went to a local medieval fayre.
Mum said that medieval means a long time ago but sometime after the dark ages. It’s dark for ages every night, so I think medieval must mean some point in the morning, probably just before lunch time.
The fayre was full of people dressed up in odd outfits, including some chap who was wearing a sack. Either the people around there were a bit strange or they could definitely benefit from a visit to Gap.
There was a good jousting ride, where I got to sit in a bobsled type contraption at the top of a long ramp. I had a sword thrust into my hand and was told to whack the mannequins on either side of the track as I flew down. I didn’t know what a mannequin was, so I just clouted the attendants instead.
Dad called me Medieval Knieval for the rest of the day.
There was also a falconry event, where some lunatic ran around a field with a fluffy toy rabbit attached to a piece of string, whilst some lethal bird of prey swooped and attacked.
I attached some string to Becca’s ankle and was about to set off across the field when Dad intervened.
Foiled again.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Demolition, Evel or Evil?
I’ve been very good since the demolition but I’m not sure for how much longer I can continue to remain out of trouble.
On Saturday, we went to a local medieval fayre.
Mum said that medieval means a long time ago but sometime after the dark ages. It’s dark for ages every night, so I think medieval must mean some point in the morning, probably just before lunch time.
The fayre was full of people dressed up in odd outfits, including some chap who was wearing a sack. Either the people around there were a bit strange or they could definitely benefit from a visit to Gap.
There was a good jousting ride, where I got to sit in a bobsled type contraption at the top of a long ramp. I had a sword thrust into my hand and was told to whack the mannequins on either side of the track as I flew down. I didn’t know what a mannequin was, so I just clouted the attendants instead.
Dad called me Medieval Knieval for the rest of the day.
There was also a falconry event, where some lunatic ran around a field with a fluffy toy rabbit attached to a piece of string, whilst some lethal bird of prey swooped and attacked.
I attached some string to Becca’s ankle and was about to set off across the field when Dad intervened.
Foiled again.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Demolition, Evel or Evil?
Friday, July 07, 2006
Demolition
Yesterday’s corner time: 36 Minutes.
Yesterday evening, I destroyed the garden playhouse with a softball bat resulting in my longest period of detention so far.
By the time I stood back to admire my handiwork, the door was hanging off its hinges and every pane of glass had been shattered. Nice work. I went to fetch Mum.
That turned out to be a BIG mistake.
She wasn’t as impressed as I had hoped she’d be and instead turned purple with rage. Purple really doesn’t suit her but I judged that this probably wasn’t the best time to mention it.
I was marched inside and exiled to the corner. I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about really; I knew Dad would be able to fix it. He can fix anything. He may swear profusely in the process but he gets the job done.
I suggested that Mum enlist Dad’s help, so that he could make a start on restoring the playhouse to its former glory.
That turned out to be a BIG mistake.
My judgement appeared to be failing me miserably. Is it possible to get a new one?
Dad went to inspect the damage and I could hear him swearing away in the garden, so I assumed that he must have started on the repairs.
Suddenly, I was being whisked out to the crime scene and told that my behaviour had been disgraceful and that the door was beyond repair.
Well, I couldn’t believe that.
I completed my appraisal of the maintenance work required and suggested that the damage was merely cosmetic and that with a bit of tape and a bash of a hammer, it would be as good as new. After all, I pointed out, the doorknob was still intact. At which point it dropped off.
Dad then hinted that that wouldn’t be the only knob to meet an untimely demise. I nodded in agreement before realizing that he meant me.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Playhouse, Sticky Fingers
Yesterday evening, I destroyed the garden playhouse with a softball bat resulting in my longest period of detention so far.
By the time I stood back to admire my handiwork, the door was hanging off its hinges and every pane of glass had been shattered. Nice work. I went to fetch Mum.
That turned out to be a BIG mistake.
She wasn’t as impressed as I had hoped she’d be and instead turned purple with rage. Purple really doesn’t suit her but I judged that this probably wasn’t the best time to mention it.
I was marched inside and exiled to the corner. I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about really; I knew Dad would be able to fix it. He can fix anything. He may swear profusely in the process but he gets the job done.
I suggested that Mum enlist Dad’s help, so that he could make a start on restoring the playhouse to its former glory.
That turned out to be a BIG mistake.
My judgement appeared to be failing me miserably. Is it possible to get a new one?
Dad went to inspect the damage and I could hear him swearing away in the garden, so I assumed that he must have started on the repairs.
Suddenly, I was being whisked out to the crime scene and told that my behaviour had been disgraceful and that the door was beyond repair.
Well, I couldn’t believe that.
I completed my appraisal of the maintenance work required and suggested that the damage was merely cosmetic and that with a bit of tape and a bash of a hammer, it would be as good as new. After all, I pointed out, the doorknob was still intact. At which point it dropped off.
Dad then hinted that that wouldn’t be the only knob to meet an untimely demise. I nodded in agreement before realizing that he meant me.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Playhouse, Sticky Fingers
Thursday, July 06, 2006
French
Yesterday’s corner time: 4 Minutes.
Whilst on holiday, Mum and Dad asked me to embrace the culture and the people, which to my credit, I duly tried. However, they were unimpressed when my interpretation involved embracing a local boy so tightly around his neck that he turned blue.
That said, there were some local girls that I went out of my way to embrace. In fact, I refused to let go of one and ended up being dragged across the local square on my stomach. Dad suggested that I needed to learn some finesse. And that from a man who dances around slapping his bottom.
I picked up the local lingo easily and was soon speaking French. However, I was disappointed to learn that fluency involved more than blurting out the word "French" to everyone.
It turns out that I've actually got a French Aunty, so she may be able to help. She's the girlfriend of my Uncle Simon. They’re an honorary Uncle and Aunty, which means that they're not real and are probably computer animations.
Like Grandma Gerry, I think the programmers were having a bad day whilst designing Uncle Simon, as he looks pretty funny. He's got less hair than Becca. I think the developers must have been drunk.
They did a pretty good job on Aunty Fabienne despite making her French and giving her a funny accent. This is probably just a bug and will be fixed in a future upgrade.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Chocolate and lots of it, A Whiter Shade of Pale, Once Bitten ...
Whilst on holiday, Mum and Dad asked me to embrace the culture and the people, which to my credit, I duly tried. However, they were unimpressed when my interpretation involved embracing a local boy so tightly around his neck that he turned blue.
That said, there were some local girls that I went out of my way to embrace. In fact, I refused to let go of one and ended up being dragged across the local square on my stomach. Dad suggested that I needed to learn some finesse. And that from a man who dances around slapping his bottom.
I picked up the local lingo easily and was soon speaking French. However, I was disappointed to learn that fluency involved more than blurting out the word "French" to everyone.
It turns out that I've actually got a French Aunty, so she may be able to help. She's the girlfriend of my Uncle Simon. They’re an honorary Uncle and Aunty, which means that they're not real and are probably computer animations.
Like Grandma Gerry, I think the programmers were having a bad day whilst designing Uncle Simon, as he looks pretty funny. He's got less hair than Becca. I think the developers must have been drunk.
They did a pretty good job on Aunty Fabienne despite making her French and giving her a funny accent. This is probably just a bug and will be fixed in a future upgrade.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Chocolate and lots of it, A Whiter Shade of Pale, Once Bitten ...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Once Bitten ...
Yesterday’s corner time: 2 Minutes.
My sword has been confiscated again, hence the reduction in corner time.
There was a rather amusing incident on holiday after Dad had just retrieved his swimming shorts off the outside wall and was putting them on.
He started dancing around the lounge in a rather bizarre fashion slapping his bottom. His dancing was unusual for two reasons:
1) He was sober
2) It was actually quite good - he must have been practicing.
Anyway, he frantically stripped off his shorts and continued to smack his buttocks at which point, a big black spider dropped to the floor and sprinted under the sofa.
What was that doing up his bottom? I tried to look up mine but I couldn't see anything. I was about to look up Becca’s but Mum stopped me.
Apparently, the spider was having a quiet snooze in my Dad's swimming shorts when it had a rather rude awakening. When faced with its impending doom, the spider obviously decided to alert Dad to its presence in the only way it knew how. It bit him on the ass.
Mum said it was probably going for Dad’s brain.
Dad was concerned that the spider may be poisonous. So, a big operation was launched to catch the blighter in case it was needed for identification purposes.
Once captured, it was placed under a glass on top of the table and I was given strict instructions to give it a wide berth.
Imagine Dad's horror when he returned to the lounge to find me playing with the glass and the spider nowhere to be seen.
"What do you mean you were letting it stretch its legs? What were you thinking? Of course it's going to be fast, it’s got eight of the b#*!#y things!” shrieked Dad.
Dad's bottom was a bit sore for a day or two and Mum said that she was surprised that it didn't impact his speech, as he talks mostly out of that region.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Adoration, A Whiter Shade of Pale
My sword has been confiscated again, hence the reduction in corner time.
There was a rather amusing incident on holiday after Dad had just retrieved his swimming shorts off the outside wall and was putting them on.
He started dancing around the lounge in a rather bizarre fashion slapping his bottom. His dancing was unusual for two reasons:
1) He was sober
2) It was actually quite good - he must have been practicing.
Anyway, he frantically stripped off his shorts and continued to smack his buttocks at which point, a big black spider dropped to the floor and sprinted under the sofa.
What was that doing up his bottom? I tried to look up mine but I couldn't see anything. I was about to look up Becca’s but Mum stopped me.
Apparently, the spider was having a quiet snooze in my Dad's swimming shorts when it had a rather rude awakening. When faced with its impending doom, the spider obviously decided to alert Dad to its presence in the only way it knew how. It bit him on the ass.
Mum said it was probably going for Dad’s brain.
Dad was concerned that the spider may be poisonous. So, a big operation was launched to catch the blighter in case it was needed for identification purposes.
Once captured, it was placed under a glass on top of the table and I was given strict instructions to give it a wide berth.
Imagine Dad's horror when he returned to the lounge to find me playing with the glass and the spider nowhere to be seen.
"What do you mean you were letting it stretch its legs? What were you thinking? Of course it's going to be fast, it’s got eight of the b#*!#y things!” shrieked Dad.
Dad's bottom was a bit sore for a day or two and Mum said that she was surprised that it didn't impact his speech, as he talks mostly out of that region.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Adoration, A Whiter Shade of Pale
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Adoration
Yesterday’s corner time: 9 Minutes.
Since my return from holiday, I’ve also been re-acquainted with my sword, which has helped me re-establish a close relationship with my corner.
During my vacation, I discovered that apparently, both Mum and Dad are very good at science.
According to Dad, Mum demonstrated the Archimedes principle when she plunged into our swimming pool, displacing most of its contents. Dad suggested that it was the only pool in Corsica with its own tidal system.
However, the following day at the beach, as Dad bounded into the sea, Mum highlighted that this was an excellent example of the Butterfly effect. What appeared to be a large splash in Corsica would result in a huge Tsunami in Asia. I never realized that butterflies were so nasty and vindictive.
During our stay, we started adapting to the Mediterranean way of life by having afternoon siestas. As a result of these naps, we were then allowed to stay up much later and go out in the evenings with my parents.
To my utter amazement, everyone there seemed to absolutely adore Becca. They couldn't get enough of her. I kept saying that if they liked her so much that they could take her but unfortunately, I don't think they understood me.
They just pinched my cheeks and said things like "Tu es un petit diable" which I think means that I'm quite cute too.
I need to learn some French so that I can thank them properly next time.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Summer Holiday, A Whiter Shade of Pale, I am Gladiator, Infatuation
Since my return from holiday, I’ve also been re-acquainted with my sword, which has helped me re-establish a close relationship with my corner.
During my vacation, I discovered that apparently, both Mum and Dad are very good at science.
According to Dad, Mum demonstrated the Archimedes principle when she plunged into our swimming pool, displacing most of its contents. Dad suggested that it was the only pool in Corsica with its own tidal system.
However, the following day at the beach, as Dad bounded into the sea, Mum highlighted that this was an excellent example of the Butterfly effect. What appeared to be a large splash in Corsica would result in a huge Tsunami in Asia. I never realized that butterflies were so nasty and vindictive.
During our stay, we started adapting to the Mediterranean way of life by having afternoon siestas. As a result of these naps, we were then allowed to stay up much later and go out in the evenings with my parents.
To my utter amazement, everyone there seemed to absolutely adore Becca. They couldn't get enough of her. I kept saying that if they liked her so much that they could take her but unfortunately, I don't think they understood me.
They just pinched my cheeks and said things like "Tu es un petit diable" which I think means that I'm quite cute too.
I need to learn some French so that I can thank them properly next time.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Summer Holiday, A Whiter Shade of Pale, I am Gladiator, Infatuation
Monday, July 03, 2006
A Whiter Shade of Pale
Yesterday’s corner time: 6 Minutes.
Hi, I’m back.
I think it was within 30 minutes of returning that I was re-acquainted with my naughty corner. It was good to be home.
On the plane trip out, Dad told me we were going to the South East Corner of Corsica. Two weeks in a corner? Call that a holiday? I do that for a living.
However, it turned out that this was a really big corner with a villa, beaches and towns. Now, that’s what I call a corner.
Unfortunately, it soon materialized that this larger corner contained several smaller ones into which I could be placed.
We spent much of our time at the coast. The beaches in Corsica were fantastic and both Becca and I really enjoyed them. I enjoyed building sand castles and Becca enjoyed eating the sand. There is a huge difference in our levels of sophistication.
According to Dad, Becca digested so much silicon during our holiday that she definitely won’t need any implants when she’s older.
It was very hot at the beach and my parents were naturally concerned that we didn’t burn. Nevertheless, I still think that Factor 5000 sun block may have been a slight overkill.
Having spent much of the two weeks resembling a polar bear with anaemia, I’m now whiter than before I left. Apparently, this is healthier. I don’t know any polar bears, so this is difficult for me to judge.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Summer Holiday
Hi, I’m back.
I think it was within 30 minutes of returning that I was re-acquainted with my naughty corner. It was good to be home.
On the plane trip out, Dad told me we were going to the South East Corner of Corsica. Two weeks in a corner? Call that a holiday? I do that for a living.
However, it turned out that this was a really big corner with a villa, beaches and towns. Now, that’s what I call a corner.
Unfortunately, it soon materialized that this larger corner contained several smaller ones into which I could be placed.
We spent much of our time at the coast. The beaches in Corsica were fantastic and both Becca and I really enjoyed them. I enjoyed building sand castles and Becca enjoyed eating the sand. There is a huge difference in our levels of sophistication.
According to Dad, Becca digested so much silicon during our holiday that she definitely won’t need any implants when she’s older.
It was very hot at the beach and my parents were naturally concerned that we didn’t burn. Nevertheless, I still think that Factor 5000 sun block may have been a slight overkill.
Having spent much of the two weeks resembling a polar bear with anaemia, I’m now whiter than before I left. Apparently, this is healthier. I don’t know any polar bears, so this is difficult for me to judge.
Matthew.
Related Posts: Summer Holiday
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